It was a cold, dark, mid-November night when I went to see the midnight opening of the last Twilight movie. I had never seen the prior movies but seeing as the Internet exists and I consider myself an avid surfer of said World Wide Web, I knew the basic plot. Entering the movie, my life held nothing but hopelessness and desperation. Never did I expect I would end that night knowing true love. This is the story of my night with Edward Cullen.
I was just your regular Long Island kid, struggling to get by as an able-bodied white male. I woke up to my posters of Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky and sprayed on some Axe deodorant. But today was unlike any other and I should have known. I should have realized the sparkle in the corner of my eye was none other than the vampire Edward Cullen stalking me all day.
After the movie, I was walking back to my Enzo Ferrari when I saw the sparkle once more and screamed out, “Who are you?!” My interrobang didn’t go unnoticed as he finally revealed himself to me.
“I’ve been following you all day,” he said. “I know,” I told him. “Why?”
“I just… had to see you.”
“But why me?”
“I don’t know. I’m just drawn to you.”
I could tell from his quivering lips that he was telling the truth. He didn’t want me for my blood. He wanted me for something more, something only a vampire historian like myself could understand. We entered my car through its butterfly doors and the F140 65° V12 engine roared as it started. As I drove my car without a destination, he placed his cold hand on my inner thigh. I gasped.
“I know what you are,” I said to him.
“Say it out loud,” he commanded. “Say it.”
“Are you afraid?”
I turned to him as I was driving and answered, “No.”
As my eyes weren’t on the road, I drove off of the road and hit a large bump that sent my car went flying into the air. We crashed into a river and pulled each other to safety as my car exploded. Our clothes were soaking wet and he motioned to an old millhouse near us. I obediently followed him inside and he started a fire in the fireplace.
“What if the owner–” I tried to ask, but he pressed a finger onto my full lips to silence me.
“Take off your clothes,” he told me.
He stripped naked and I turned bashfully away. He walked up to me and put his hands on my shoulders and then pressed his face to my neck. I shivered. I knew this was wrong, but it felt so right. His manhood pressed my butt through my soaking jeans and I sighed animatedly. I’m not sure how it happened but I soon found my clothes to be on the other side of the room and him on top of me, kissing my lips and grabbing chunks of my chest hair. Reaching for his penis, I felt a bizarrely warm sensation fill my palm. Perhaps it was joy warming me, or perhaps it something more. He pressed his penis into my testicles and they separated to reveal a hidden vagina.
“But, Edward, aren’t I a man?” I asked him.
“Of course you are. As a vampire, I have the ability to impregnate anyone,” he informed me.
“Are you going to give me your child?”
I could feel ovaries forming inside of my body as he vigorously entered me. I wrapped my legs around his spotless, sparkling back as I became the seahorse he required of me. He arched his back, coming close to ecstasy and I wrapped my arms around his neck to keep him close, to feel his breath on me. It was too much and I felt his donkey-like genitals give me the emission of a horse.
At that moment, a group of ninja werewolves burst through the windows as Edward rolled off of me.
“Give us the humpire child,” they demanded in a thick Russian accent.
“No, I’ll never give you my child,” he said, defending our baby and me.
The werewolves jumped at Edward and started slashing his beautiful, sparkling chest. His blue vampire blood sprayed across the gorgeous mink rug on the floor, completely ruining its aesthetic value. He stabbed through the chest of one werewolf as his hand transformed into a sword and sliced off the head of another. The other werewolves retreated after their comrades died.
“Thank you for saving us, Edward,” I said as I walked over to him.
But his knees gave way and he collapsed onto the floor. I combed my fingers through his fantastic brown hair as I held his head up. Blood poured from the corners of his lips and dripped onto the wooden floor. He coughed out, “I love you” to me through the liquid and I began to cry. I could feel the humpire child crying from within me as it started to try and birth itself.
“Edward, I, I think I’m giving birth,” I said to him through my tears.
The baby started crawling out from my testicle vagina, whistling the tune to Mystic Cave Zone as I writhed in pain, holding my dying Edward’s hand. I lay on the ground, screaming and gasping and the baby came out looking remarkably like a blue hedgehog.
“You’re too slow,” it yelled.
“Edward, our baby’s first words,” I said, crying.
But he didn’t respond. He had passed on to Vampire Heaven, or as we humans know it, Hell. I grabbed my baby, who had already aged to five years old, and exited the millhouse. And so this ends my night with Edward. He will forever be the Jackie Chan to my Chris Tucker.