On the afternoon of Tuesday, March 26 — the final day of the third round of voting in the State University of New York’s (SUNY) Mascot Madness competition — Stony Brook’s Wolfie felt like he was on top of the world. After two consecutive wins in the annual competition, the three-peat title was within the clutches of his felted, furry paws.
“And then I watched it all slip through my claws,” Wolfie said, quivering. Wolfie shared his devastation with the wolf pack in an exclusive interview with The Stony Brook Press. “I was scrolling through Instagram stories in between meeting fans and, suddenly, it was all over.”
The Instagram story that Wolfie saw was posted by the official SUNY account and announced that he would no longer be competing in Mascot Madness. “We’ve determined that one or more students cast an excessive number of votes in violation of Mascot Madness rules,” it stated. “Wolfie will not be competing for the rest of Mascot Madness.”
As Wolfie watched SUNY’s Instagram story play through and skip to a story from one of his favorite Wolf-fluencers — @alphasdaily — he knew that his time as Stony Brook University’s beloved mascot was over. “That was my final straw,” he said. “I was so sick of being used by this university. I knew that this was the beginning of a new Wolfie.”
In a fit of disappointment and rage, Wolfie smashed his phone on the ground outside of Roth Cafe and sprinted off — on all fours — towards the woods. He recalled one of his handlers calling his name. Briefly, he spun around to face her, but with his newfound outlook on life, his gaze hardened: “I can’t be the leader of your pack anymore. I am an alpha no longer. Wolfie is a lone wolf. Wolfie’s a sigma now. I quit.”
Marie Lislo, Wolfie’s former handler who called to him on that fateful evening, looks back on that day with a twinge of sadness. “It was like losing a best friend, a pawtner, a lover,” she said. “I tried to stop him, but it was too late. He had already made up his mind.”
Wolfie spent that entire night in the woods alone with his thoughts — and his iPad, which he keeps in his fur. He came to many realizations that fateful night. “I found myself watching a lot of Jordan Belfort’s podcast The Wolf’s Den,” he said. “I felt utterly connected to this man, especially because he is the wolf of Wall Street. His words resonated with me. I realized I was not meant to be domesticated by Stony Brook University. I knew there was more out there for me.”
That night, under the full moon, Wolfie recorded the first episode of his solo podcast, The Lone Wolf. In the episode, he further explained his disdain for his former employer and why he feels that being on his own is the best decision he’s ever made.
“I’m already learning so much more now than I ever had during my years in the soul-sucking world of higher education,” he said in the podcast’s first episode. “I am changing my mindset, and it’s proving to be highly effective. I’m looking to start day trading and have already begun developing a dropshipping side hustle to maximize my net worth by expanding my passive income.”
Wolfie boasted in a later episode that he has a lot in store for his “Red Riding Hoods,” which is what he calls his rapidly growing fanbase. “I’ve connected with Jordan Belfort on LinkedIn, and he has vocalized being amazed by my hustle. I will actually be joining him as a guest on an episode of his podcast, which is a dream come true.”
Wolfie also plans on launching the next step in his career very soon — his own website. On the site, members will be able to purchase a subscription to his course, “The Lone Wolf’s Ultimate Sigma Male Guide to Financial Enlightenment,” where he will share his musings on how to be financially successful without any need for a degree. “I’ll give you a taste of one of the strategies I will be teaching,” he shared. “I edit TikTok storytimes and Fortnite gaming streams onto the same video. It is a great way to beef up your money supply, and nobody is talking about it.”
His site will go live today at 4:20 p.m. The website link currently leads to a black page with white text that reads, “Escape the Matrix. Take the little red riding pill.” Subscriptions to his class will cost about $300 a month. He said that spots will go quickly, so he advised those interested to act fast.
Since his departure this past Tuesday, Stony Brook administration has been scrambling to find someone to fill the seawolf’s cartoonishly large shoes. They seem to be working on a deal with SUNY ESF’s Oakie, who has been Wolfie’s tightest competition during the past two years of Mascot Madness.
Upon hearing this, Wolfie quietly laughed to himself. “I’m not worried about it. That acorn wouldn’t know anything about being a natural-born predator if it fell out of a tree and hit him on the head.”
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