Everyone around me has stepped through the sleek Start Menu into heaven: Windows 10. My girlfriend has it, my best friend has it, my best friend’s girlfriend has it, even my work computer has it.

I’m not nostalgic. My computer still thinks it’s a tablet. It still has to be shut down from float right-screen corner->settings->fuck yourself. Looking back (as in, right now) I find the quaint, though tilted and slightly abrasive and not-so-little, Windows 8 icon resting at the bottom corner left of my screen, a once-sacred place where a vertical stack of all the important things on your computer were neatly accessible. But no. I land in a space of oblivion. This dank-ass spot (and not the good dank) where I find the ilk of the “Games” or “Music” buttons. These “features” bring you to big bright screens that do nothing. Nothing.

How arrogant are you, Microsoft? Must I use your games app? I have Steam. Fuck yourself, you dumb idiot. I have iTunes, you dig? I don’t have an Apple computer because I don’t trust fruit. I trusted you. And then you assumed I use a tablet. Nah. Not cool. Not one bit.

The Start menu is supposed to be a happy place, not a presumptuous hub that implies that I need more apps. And then you shove the ones I have but don’t use in my face. Don’t tell me I have a problem. I know I have a problem.

I think it’s stupid how ambiguous your settings are and I am not happy.


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