Almost 50 years ago, The Stony Brook Press put out its very first issue. Called The Statesperson, it was very different from the magazine you know today. Since then, we have evolved time and again as a publication, moving from black-and-white to full-color print, then from a newspaper to a magazine, and then becoming a digital outlet alongside our print releases. All the while, we’ve brought our same brand of irreverent, truth-to-power journalism to Stony Brook’s campus.
A lot has changed since the last step in our evolution. The COVID-19 pandemic has torn clean through our lives, and our world has become an increasingly digital space with the heralded introduction of the Metaverse.
We must evolve yet again to continue to serve the student body to the best of our ability. Today, we are announcing that The Press will stop printing our magazines for the foreseeable future.
This doesn’t mean that our work is over. In fact, we will be moving to the forefront of new media. From this point forward, The Press will be exclusively minting new magazines as non-fungible tokens, beautiful works of fine digital art, preserved eternally in the blockchain.
To achieve this feat, we have partnered* with the artistic visionaries at Bored Ape Yacht Club to move their cutting edge primate cloning technology into our media space. So, while the new Stony Brook Press may not have physical pages, or layouts, or stories, or words, it will have one of an infinite array of vaguely depressed monkeys to appreciate and enjoy.
At a time of impending climate catastrophe, we knew this change was absolutely necessary. Instead of cutting down trees to make our magazines, our apes are 100% digital, requiring only the power draw of a small metropolitan area to sustain their presence.
And don’t worry about saying goodbye to our hard-hitting journalism. The same content you know and love from our previous magazines will be perfected in this new form. Look for our deep reporting in an ape’s tearful gaze, our eloquent prose in his flippant posture, and our deep-rooted morals in his positively drippy fit.
Reflecting our new ethos, we have made some adjustments among our staff, streamlining our workforce for the digital future. In order to replace antiquated non-primate-based positions, we’ve brought in the best and brightest in knowing how to give the apes cool hats and such. (To editors finding out we decided to part ways in the middle of this announcement, we sincerely apologize.)
This brings us to our next point — revenue in the age of digital media. Countless giants of the media world have struggled with falling revenues in the internet age. Journalism students like ourselves have been told over and over that the job market in our field is bleak and money is scarce.
With the introduction of our NFT magazine, we will be moving past these days of toil and strife. Purchasing one issue of the Press: Ape Edition will cost just 1 Press Digital Future Savior Token (roughly $30,000 to $5,000,000, depending on the day and how the ape’s feeling), and the proceeds will go directly to supporting vital student media**.
Before, we gave our magazines away to the campus community in the name of “public information.” Now, we will make enough money to support our creative pursuits, real and virtual, for years to come. We believe this is a watershed moment for journalism, and stand proudly at the forefront of a new era.
Critics may say that NFTs are a “scam,” or “bullshit,” or “JPEGs that you could’ve downloaded for free.” Riddle us this, we interject: why are these apes so fire? They couldn’t possibly be this way unless they were worth this much money. Trust us — this logic is irrefutable.
By claiming ownership*** of your own Press Ape, you are taking our hand and bravely entering a glowing portal into a new dimension. To skeptics, you need to get in on the ground floor — you’ll regret when this really takes off. To USG, this does not mean we don’t want your money anymore. Please disregard this message.
And to our most important audience, the campus community, thank you for supporting us through these last 43 years. We couldn’t have done this without you, and hope that we will be able to serve you far into the future. And don’t you dare screenshot our apes.
*Partnership does not imply consent on the part of Bored Ape Yacht Club or any affiliated ape entities.
**”Supporting vital student media” here means all money from this venture will go directly to The Press, for use at our complete discretion without public disclosure. Funds may support graduating seniors’ quarter-life crises.
***For legal purposes, the purchase of a Press Ape is not direct ownership of its contents or intellectual property. Rather, it is the right to have your name written on a slip of paper and stored in a drawer in our office, claiming guardianship over your ape. Trust us, it’ll be there.