Recently, Ms. Jane Doe had the displeasure of being kicked out of one of Stony Brook University’s lecture halls. The incident occurred during a Calculus III class on Monday, Feb. 7 at Harriman Hall. The Stony Brook Press has since received a statement from Ms. Doe regarding the incident:

So, I’ve seen a lot of posts and videos of my experience in class on Monday floating around the internet. For all of you asking, I’m actually enrolled in Calculus III and I had already missed the first few classes, so you could imagine the rush I was in to catch Monday’s lecture. 

I have always had a hard time operating human buildings, and Harriman Hall is no exception to this, no sir. Obviously, I have no fingers, but I was hoping the doors would be a bit lighter than they actually were. Unfortunately, I couldn’t nudge my way through. So what was a deer to do? I looked around the building and luckily enough, my class was on the first floor, just a hop and a skip away.

Seeing as there was no other option, I simply rammed through the window. I may have heard some glass shattering upon my entrance, but that honestly could’ve been anything. In any case, the incident was grossly overexaggerated. Some even said I “broke in” and “trashed the place,” but I feel I was much more graceful than that. The only crime committed that day was how poorly I was treated. I couldn’t even attend class without cameras invading my privacy. Can’t a deer learn calculus in peace, fuck! And I’ve read those Reddit posts online, oh boy have I read them. To whoever claimed they were “scared shitless” and “traumatized” — yeah, me too pal, you’re not special. Maybe for once, consider how the deer feels in these situations. There have even been instances in the past where people have tried to feed me, pet me or even chase me away! It’s blatant disrespect like this that perfectly displays the line between deer and human and, honestly, I’m fed up with it. 

Every time a deer is hit by a car, you always hear about how scared the driver and their passengers were, meanwhile I’ve lost cousins to Fords and Chevys and no one seems to mind. People need to start thinking more about the deer and less about themselves. And the cherry on top of this disaster, the UPD shows up and MANHANDLES ME. My rights as a deer were infringed upon because of a few sensitive students and an allegedly broken window. Do better, people. 

Now you may be wondering why a deer such as myself would even take a Calculus III class. Well, I’ll tell you: because I fucking can, that’s why! Does anyone ask why in the world someone would be a business major? Probably, but that’s not the point.

Everyone always assumes that we’re simple mammals, but I’m here to prove them wrong. I’m looking to rid the world of the tired “deer in the headlights” slur. Our kind is much more elegant and sophisticated than that. My goal is to work at NASA — ultimately, I want to be the first deer in space. I mean, come on. They sent monkeys, dogs, even frogs for god sake. They can send at least one deer.

This incident only furthers my point about the blatant injustice done against deer everyday. You humans think we’re the problem? You have an entire season dedicated to shooting us. Seek help!

Oh, and to the students and faculty of Stony Brook University, just know this isn’t the last you’ll see of me. I may have been kicked out of Harriman Hall, but I’ll be back for my next class this coming Monday.

Carmela Cassara and Dylan Gallo contributed reporting.


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