The Stony Brook Press does not encourage anyone to do anything listed below.
…but it would be pretty fucking cool if you did.
Recreate the iconic Subway Surfers app and glide from shuttle to shuttle in either the SAC or Engineering loop. No more waiting in those long bus lines! Bonus points for double jumps. Climb on top of a shuttle bus anywhere on campus and assume a wide surfer stance. Put both arms out for balance and stay on for as long as you can. Be mindful of frequent and sudden stops — helmet, knee, elbow and shoulder pads are recommended. Free parking anywhere on campus will be granted to those who can ride the Outer Loop shuttle for its whole route.
Naked Leap Frog
Need to spice up your life? Play a childhood classic with a twist! Naked leap frog up the Staller Steps — everyone will want to join in! Bonus points for the amount of steps you cover in one leap! Gather a group of at least three to five people at the Staller Center Steps for this game. Once you’ve assembled your group, undress down to your birthday suits. Since there are normally no winners in this game, whoever’s legs give out first has to streak across the academic mall during Campus Lifetime following a route chosen by other players.
Gas tank on E? No problem! South P is full of empty cars all day, and no one goes over there anyway! Just grab a container and start suckin’! Bonus points for spitters! Go to your local hardware store, gardening shop or supermarket and pick up a 5-gallon gas can and a 6 to 8-foot hose. Make sure the hose is transparent to avoid accidentally ingesting gasoline. Open the gas cap on your car of choice and insert the hose into the tank. Suck on one end of the hose like a straw, then transfer it into the container right before the fuel enters your mouth. Keep the container below the level of the fuel tank to continue siphoning. Spit out any fuel in your mouth and rinse with clean water immediately after. The main goal is to drain the car before Campus PD is called or the owner returns.
Sometimes you just need to occupy space. Double park your car across two parking spots — sideways. Yes. Sideways. Not facing in. Not backing in. Sideways. Parallel park between two cars in any given lot. The goal is to make the doors of the adjacent cars impossible to open.
Full Frontal Fountain
For the days your roommates might be taking too long in the bathroom or you simply overslept, the university has so kindly installed a showering fountain right at the center of the academic mall. Bring your loofah, body wash, slippers and towel to freshen up on your way to class. The fountain is as functional as it is beautiful. Try to get through your shower without acknowledging any passers-by.
The Fast & The Studious
Line up at the lights on Stony Brook Road, roll your window down and goad the driver next to you into a race by staring them down and revving your engine. As the lights turn green, bury the throttle and peel off down the road. The winner is whoever finds parking and gets to their class first. The main goal is to get to class on time — this is still a research institution after all.
Purchase fireworks from [redacted] and set them alight in your choice of LaValle Stadium, the baseball field, the train station, the SAC courtyard, the Zebra Path or, of course, the Staller Steps. Nothing more to it. Light it up. The goal is to get through all of your fireworks before Campus PD arrives.
Rumble in the Courtyard
Sometimes, peer mediation via CAPS doesn’t work because some people just don’t understand words. They understand hands. Squabbles between roommates and friends will now be settled in a temporary boxing ring in the SAC courtyard. Gloves and headgear will be supplied by the Rec Center and Wolfie will referee the match. The main goal — obviously — is to knock out your opponent.
Hacker of All Grades, Passer of None
Undergrad hasn’t been as easy as you thought it would be. You’re failing four out of your five classes in spectacular fashion. However, you got some coding certifications over the summer and know a virtual back door to SOLAR. Hack SOLAR and adjust not only your class grades, but also your GPA, and even switch majors if you wish. The main goal is to hack your way to valedictorian without alerting the university’s web programmers.
There are many discreet spots around campus to commit the act. If you know, you know. Find a trusted partner, use contraception and clean up whatever mess you create. Mutual orgasm is mandatory. The main goal is to hook up at every location in two semesters.