After weeks of the government shutdown, the National Parks Service (NPS) announced today that they plan to transform several parks into landfills due to copious amounts of garbage and human feces.
Human waste clogged toilets, blocked pathways and covered trees and wildlife, which spurred NPS to declare the parks unsafe for both visitors and employees.
“There is shit everywhere,” an unnamed park ranger said. “It’s shooting out of geysers. It’s a literal shitstorm.”
Human excrement can be dangerous when contaminated and should be removed using gloves and, in some cases, eye protection. According to the park ranger, NPS cannot afford to pay its employees, much less purchase proper fecal-removing equipment, and must instead shut the parks down.
“We are committed to the health and safety of our employees,” a spokesperson for NPS said. “After conducting preliminary tests, we found diseases including typhoid, cholera and several species of parasitic worms in the human waste littering our parks. We’d also like to inform the individual that defecated on the Whitecrest Trail sign that he or she has tapeworms. We cannot risk the health of our employees and will not be removing the feces at this time.”
According to a source, the parks will charge varying amounts of money, based on poundage and waste type, to dump trash. The money will help pay the salaries of their furloughed employees.
“We haven’t been paid in weeks,” another ranger said. “And the parks were irreparably damaged anyway. Personally, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens with the land. Humans will probably go extinct in a few years anyway, and we might as well have fun in the meantime.”
The “cutest” animals, which will be determined by polls on NPS’s Instagram story, will be transported to nearby open parks, while the remaining will be left to fight for food and space in the landfill.
“No one comes to national parks to look at the toads or possums anyway,” the NPS spokesperson said. “It’s natural selection, and eventually only the most attractive animals will remain.”
Officials working for the EPA claim that a landfill will actually benefit the parks by adding nutrients into the soil. They plan to reopen the parks for leisure within a few years.
“The science is very simple,” Jonathon Willford, an EPA employee with no science background, said. “When organic waste rots, it creates more soil on top of the landfill, which can be an ideal place for plants to grow. The trash remains buried underneath, but harmless. Out of sight, out of mind.”
Willford added that parks employees would be offered a job with the new NPS to spread seeds across the landfills and import more desirable animals such as pandas, ducklings and koalas to entice visitors.
“I’ve seen a lot of YouTube videos of unlikely animal friendships,” he said. “That’s what we’re hoping to have in the future. It’s gold.”