With the opening of the new media space, which is to be shared with The Statesman and The Press, it has been decided that we must opt for complete unity in order to survive what could become some sort of Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson quirky romantic-comedy between the two respective publications sharing a green-screen.
We are putting aside our differences and perhaps we can learn from our individual strengths and weaknesses. For instance, we must assess the fold situation. No one gives a shit about the fold. So that’s settled. The Press’ layout stays, and we’ll keep The Statesman infamous newspaper texture so it’s fair or whatever. In exchange, The Statesman will teach The Press the art of dieting its font.
This then brings me to the topic of “journalism.” The Press has one “news” person; John Fischer (J.Fisch). The Statesman; mad “news” persons.
We among publications formerly known as The Press and Statesman agree that in the nature of a merger that it is ideal to make merging our nature. As such, we are working closely with the Stony Brook Hospital in creating an all-news abomination. We shall call it the J-Fishenstein. This mixed-media monster will then keep us in favorable standing with the Newsday Cult.
Moving onto sports. Considering our difficulty finding sports on campus, our very own Jael Henry and Mike Daniello will be sent to work the desks and phones and write advertisements and emails and stuff for the Jim Fiore Center for the Advancement of Women in Society.
In our state of union, The Pressman means to address the issues we individually had as respective separate publications. It is understood that The Statesman holds a reputation of being “uncool” and that’s okay, for The Press on the other hand is regarded as “uncivilized” or “ridiculous.” Our collective purpose is to use our varying strengths, to bolster one another’s weaknesses in order to establish a weaknessless mega-publication.
Members of The Press mean to vigorously assess these sex and alcohol issues the members of The Statesman seem to be facing. Also, if a story on some snow/ice hazards is to hit the stands, we will have our best editors working in some pizazz—“Wizard sighted on campus: leading cause of students’ difficulty in maneuvering ice due to frost-magic.” Meanwhile, The Statesman can teach members of The Press how to actually be journalistic instead of wasting our time on writing bullshit satire and printing ridiculous stories about flying bears or ideal pooping scenarios.
As an intellectual community who share a mixed media space (a room with a green-screen), we will collaborate to reach new standards of artistic integrity in the realm of visuals. The Statesman style use of the “journalistic photograph” will now feature Photoshop insertions of President Stanley from Tom Johnson. The articles themselves will be lain over space backdrops.
We have fine ambitions in merging our contrasting ideals. The crusty old man that was once The Statesman will put on its Hawaiian shirt and thrift-shop for oversized tweed blazer along with knock-off Ray Bans which symbolizes The Press. It will be BBC meets The Daily Show, The New York Times and some whoever-nerd’s WordPress page; like when Glenn Greenwald moved onto The Intercept, but with the journalistic integrity of Reddit.
So let it be known the beginning of a new era for student journalism here at Stony Brook University. The merger that is The Pressman welcomes all new students and whoever else wants to type their lives away and offer their souls for ambition and access to a green-screen. The Independent, Asian American E-Zine and Blackworld can come too.