As a reputable research university, Stony Brook has made some truly baller splashes in the science world. We’ve proven the re-evolution of frogs’ teeth after 200 million years of alleged toothlessness, forcing biologists to reevaluate Dollo’s Law. We’ve helped discover the cause of Lyme disease. We co-manage one of the world’s most powerful particle accelerators (which actually strikes fear in some loonies who believe the thing might rip a hole in the universe). We even have had three Stony Brook professors share the Nobel Prize, awarded for their contribution to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change in 2008.

But one recent study, that texting on your cell phone may negatively impact your walking speed, probably won’t etch “Stony Brook University” on the wall of earth-shattering scientific findings.

First, let us share a moment of silence for Alexa Longueira, a Staten Island teen who fell into a manhole while texting on her cell phone a few years back. She only suffered minor physical injures, but if this study came sooner, I’m sure she could have been spared some seriously embarrassing, New York tabloid-type mental scars.

Other than our dearest Alexa, I’m sure this finding came as a surprise to next to no one, while the idea of conducting these studies will dumbfound everyone. We were all taught in our preschool days never to run with scissors—for safety’s sake. Now we know not to walk to class while texting—for punctuality’s sake. Go Seawolves.

According to the press release, thirty-three twenty-somethings were put to tests while texting and talking on the phone. I wonder what they texted.

Yo bb, I’m in the middle of this study rn. HMU in about an hour for dinner. We’ll get some dim sum. Yo lol if Donald Sutherland owned a dim sum restaurant it would definitely be called Dimmald Summerland.

Dawgg, can u believe Derek said he actually liked I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry while he strung out on whippits last night! lol Im never drinkin again lol

Honey, put the duck in the oven, won’t you? I’m bringing home bundt cake and your favorite Woody Allen flick. I’ll light some of those Kiss From A Tulip In An Early Spring’s Mist-scented candles in the den. Tonight will be—oh dag, SOS. I just fell into an uncovered manhole! Call 311! Good God, it smells as bad as Adam Sandler’s career down here! Derek is a glue-sniffing moronnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Next week, we will have studies prove other commonly held beliefs, like the fact that Asians are genetically inclined to order the most horrific burritos at Picantes (shrimp, mangos and nacho cheese, please!), or that everyone that lives in Kelly Quad likes Incubus, or that longboarders will most likely die alone.


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