Graphic by Antonio Mochmann.

President Joe Biden’s personal residence in Wilmington, Delaware was thoroughly searched by Department of Justice investigators last month. According to an FBI agent on the scene of the investigation, President Biden’s eyes widened as a classified document was pulled from between his couch cushions. The president furrowed his graying eyebrows.

“Oh my,” the president said, “I forgot I stuck that one in there. Ha!” 

The agent brushed the dust and chip crumbs to the carpet, watching President Biden’s eyes gaze lovingly towards the markings of classification on the documents. 

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said Special Agent Rick McDocFinder, in an exclusive interview with The Press. “We’ve got a real epidemic brewing here. These classified documents are presidential kryptonite.” 

He spoke in reference to former President Donald Trump, who is facing scrutiny for similar addiction issues. The 45th president continues to refute claims that he too struggled to leave classified documents in their rightful places. 

We spoke with the former president regarding a search warrant issued for his residence at Mar-a-Lago, located in Palm Beach, Fla. Following a search of the former president’s home on Aug. 8, 2022, the Federal Bureau of Investigation found over 325 classified documents

“No, no, no, no, no,” Trump said. “You’ve got that all wrong — these were all borrowed. They were misplaced! This is a scheme of sabotage.” 

When asked if he suspects anyone in particular who could have planted hundreds of classified U.S. documents in his private residence, the former president simply stated, “Democrats.”

Our reporters noted that a number of classified documents slipped out from Donald Trump’s pant leg on his way out the door. The documents have been returned to governmental authorities for analysis.

Trump’s former physician and retired U.S. Navy officer, Dr. Sean Conley, was contacted to shed light on whether or not Mr. Trump struggled with mishandling classified documents during his time in office. Dr. Conley stated that when the former president tested positive for COVID-19 in 2020, his medical staff endured bouts of outrage over classified White House documents. 

“As he was being transferred to Walter Reed Military Medical Center, we noticed he had all of these papers sticking out of his pockets. We told him he could leave all of his presidential business behind for now, as the current priority was his health, but then he called me a huge embarrassment, amongst other things, so we let him take the documents to the treatment center,” Dr. Conley said. 

Dr. Conley then told our reporters that the former president is in “optimal health,” and all claims suggesting addiction and abuse of classified U.S. documents are “insane and untrue.”

“I never saw him with any form of documents, not even his own tax forms,” Dr. Conley said, moments later. 

While Mr. Trump remains under investigation, his former White House counterpart, Mike Pence, has been grappling with similar struggles. A few weeks ago, his residence in Indiana was searched for five hours by the FBI, where one classified document was found illegally in the former vice president’s possession. Mr. Pence could not be reached for comment on the recent situation but is allegedly complying with the authorities.

FBI Agent Rick McDocFinder, who is growing sadly accustomed to finding classified documents in improper hands, worries that these recent discoveries of addiction to classification run deeper through the U.S. political system than currently known. He suspects that high-ranking U.S. politicians have been stuffing classified information in their briefcases for years. 

“Every U.S. political echelon was probably doing it back in the ‘50s, but precedent doesn’t make this acceptable now. These politicians need serious help,” he said.

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