The Queen is dead, long live the Queen

In the wake of Queen Elizabeth II’s timely death at the age of 96, many of Her Majesty’s subjects were left in shock and awe. Struck with grief, many viewers of the Queen’s parade-like funeral may have missed that her coffin was actually lined with lead, and speculated to have weighed anywhere between 500 and 600 pounds. This curious detail is even more intriguing when considering recent reported tectonic activity emanating from Buckingham Palace in the weeks following the funeral. 

The family of the Queen claims the aforementioned lead lining inside the coffin is meant to better preserve Her Majesty’s royal body and prevent unpleasant odors. This, however, is an obvious bluff — it is already very well known that the Queen, like the rest of the royal family, is perpetually smelly. Attempting to hide this behind a thick lead lining would be pointless. With strange moans and screams coming from the mortuary where the Queen was being kept, it is clear that the royal family is trying to keep something under wraps.

Reports from observant funeral attendees state that they heard banging and scratching from the casket. Given this information, we at The Press have reason to believe that the Queen is actually still living, fueled by spite alone, and trapped inside her casket. While instances like this are rare, they do still happen. Her Royal Highness could be upset Charles is finally going to be crowned King, or she may simply want to berate Meghan Markle with racially charged comments one last time. 

A recent insider report also claimed that the Queen aimed to live longer than American treasure Betty White, who tragically passed away at 99. It is possible that the Queen, having passed at the mere age of 96, was enraged to the point of reanimation. While rivalries between the United States and the United Kingdom are not uncommon, the vendetta the Queen held against the honorable Betty White was completely unprecedented — spanning nearly a century, it is likely their feud was the longest held between two individuals in modern history. We are, at this time, still waiting for confirmation on this theory — although a recently discovered six-foot-deep hole in a California cemetery suggests White may have been reactivated for what experts describe as a kind of “ultimate undead elderly white lady showdown.”

Returning to the question of that lead-lined coffin: why? And are members of the royal family aware of Her Majesty’s predicament? Do they care? Surely someone must. 

Perhaps not her son Charles. Many rumors have been circulating around the U.K. of newly crowned King Charles III wanting to “just get it over with” in regards to his mother’s death. Is it possible the new King orchestrated the Queen’s passing as a means to hurry along his succession? This is a plausible theory, however it is unknown whether he is smart enough, nor capable of enough dexterity in his remarkably sausage-like fingers, to do so. 

Leaving His Majesty aside, it would seem that the lead-lined coffin is being used to keep Her Royal Highness at bay. Her unbridled rage is likely powerful enough to fuel a destructive rampage the likes of which we’ve never seen. After all, she had a very impressive track record as the modern face of colonialism when she was alive, and it seems she may have been stockpiling energy since she entered a new phase in November of last year. While curiosity begs to see what an undead Queen Elizabeth would look like, out of safety for Ireland, India and many other countries, it is probably best to keep her coffin under a very tight lock and key — or in this case, many feet underground. There is no telling what she is capable of now that the last shred of her humanity has gone.