Hurricane Sandy swept through the east coast earlier this week, devastating Wi-Fi signals and leaving ultra-sheltered college students without access to Facebook or Reddit for a horrifying 24 hours.

“It was horrible, I kept clicking ‘refresh’ on my browser until my index finger turned raw and I could no longer see the screen through my building tears,” said sophomore Larry Burkman. He then described a vocal conversation he was forced into having with his insufferable roommate, but he could hardly bare the memory of the ordeal.

“No way out,” he said through sobs. “No way out.”

Many students, left without power, took the drastic measure of attempting real human interaction with the plethora of people who live within close proximity of their computer screens. “I kept trying to type at them and click on their faces,” said junior Stacey Middleton. “But no pictures came up, no favorite movies. Not even a single wall post.” She eventually gave up, and proceeded to stare at the wall in her dormitory hoping against hope that it would turn into a Netflix screen.

“My RA invited me to play some stupid-ass game called ‘Scrabble,’ which was an obvious rip-off of ‘Words with Friends,’ except instead of playing it on a screen, like normal people, they wanted to play it on this cardboard and plastic shit,” said disgruntled senior Steve Lennings. “It’s some bullshit.”

Mr. Lennings wanted to express his frustration to the world abroad, but without Twitter at his disposal, he started bleeding out of his eyeballs.

Though the Internet has now returned to campus in all its glory, there’s no telling what sort of lasting emotional damage the thousands of student victims will face. The conversational banter that takes place in lieu of electronic communication can result in a terrifying increase in social skills, building personal relationships and perhaps worst of all: friends.

Other, more minor damage from the storm includes billions of dollars in property damage, devastated public transportation services and loss of life.

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