Recently, I had the chance to experience something known as a book. A book is a bunch of paper with dried ink glued together onto a board. They leave some separation so you may turn the paper, which are also individually known as pages. The best way to describe a book would be to imagine a foreign language film. Remember the subtitles at the bottom that let you know what everyone is saying? Now imagine a medium that was completely subtitles without any actual film in the background. It forces your brain to imagine the scenarios the characters are in: a cop-out on the production team’s behalf. On the other hand, a book can last much longer than a film. If you’re really enjoying the subtitles, it can last up to a week. This is quite the double-edged sword, however, because if you don’t enjoy the subtitles, you’re in for a long car ride with screaming children.

Since books do not actually show you what’s happening, they sometimes write sentences that aren’t dialogue to describe what characters are doing and where they are. This would have been the most tedious part of a book if you were not required to turn the pages yourself. Another regrettable decision on the part of book producers is that they cannot be enjoyed at night. Apparently you need light to reflect off the pages and into your eyes to be able to read. This is a massively unbearable situation for those who prefer their foreign language films on paper without film at night.

There are many kinds of books, but all of them involve reading, unfortunately. They have their 3D-movie equivalent books that have pictures stand up as you turn the glued paper. Some books have hard covers and others have soft covers. The harder a book is, the more expensive it is. The worst type of book is one that’s in a foreign language and doesn’t have subtitles of its own. Who thought that would sell well?

I’ve found many uses of books that weren’t their intended use. For example, people who employ the techniques of Pooping 2.0 will find that books raise your feet to an appropriate level for efficient excretion. If you find that your papers fly about on a windy day, try setting a book atop them. I have also found them quite useful on dates. Say you’re waiting on a lady or gentleman at your local teashop and they’re a little late; pretend you’re interested in the book. For some unknown reason, people assume correctly that I’m quite intelligent when I hold a book. Your date will make this assumption as well. And for the barbarian in us all, books could also be used to bludgeon someone you severely dislike.

My dad told me that the papers in books are made from trees. I went to do some research on this to validate his claim on an Internet website known as “Google,” but there were so many words to go through that I never finished my quest. I called up my grandma to see if it’s true that paper is made from trees, but she’s dead, so she didn’t answer.

Overall, I wouldn’t recommend books to anyone. They’re an outdated medium for story telling. Why would you still ride a horse when you could fly an airplane?

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