By Ross Barkan
Yesterday, President Shirley Strum Kenny recently announced plans for a brand-new construction site to be built on the plot of land currently used by the residents of Roosevelt Quad.
“I am happy to announce that Stony Brook University is continuing its progress as one of the leading universities in America,” Kenny said. “This new construction site will truly usher in a new age of sublime piles of dirt.”
Details of the project are still not completely clear, but as of press time, it is believed the construction site will cost upwards of $70 million. Costs include contracting a construction company, importing steel beams, digging foundations, and flying in genuine dirt.
“Yes, of course there will be dirt. Shitloads,” Kenny said.
During the press conference, President Kenny beamed about the audacious project and its implications for the student body. Swarmed by reporters and faculty, she assured them that the project would be fruitful.
“I am hopeful that our state-of-the-art construction site will give our students the much-needed facets of the quintessential college experience. The dirt spilling onto the sidewalks will be muddy and smell vaguely like sulfur. The construction site will feature a variety of ear-splitting metal sounds. Hot water will no longer burden the showers of neighboring quads. Of course, we will also include little signs giving hope that something will actually be built. I am very excited.”
She added, “The sign could say something adorable and encouraging, like ‘new dormitories coming soon!’”
Construction site enthusiasts on campus applauded Kenny’s initiative. Sophomore Joshua Ginsberg grew up in a Chinese mountain range and is looking forward to a little slice of home.
“Yo, it would be pretty fucking awesome if they had these little sinkholes you could jump over. Like, you know, for a challenge, because it’s way more fun if you don’t know whether today’s the day you severely rupture your balls in a horrible hole-related injury.”
Ginsberg then leapt onto a table and played air guitar by himself.
A student named “Craig,” who refused to give his last name for fear of university reprisal opposed the project vehemently.
“There ain’t no fuckin’ rat zoo,” he said, gnawing on a leaf. “Ape City, U.S.A.”
Upon further review of Kenny’s plans, however, there indeed can be found a small crevice designated for rodents near the tip of the Kelly dining center. Some faculty members are also concerned about the extent of the project and what it will mean for the community. Philosophy professor Kirkland Sandstromton believes Kenny’s ambitions are misplaced.
“It is clear to me that this project is misguided. It undoubtedly lacks vision. Where I used to work-UC Berkeley-the school president commissioned entire pyramids of dirt to be dumped on the sites of student dormitories. But where are the pyramids here? Where is the creativity? I have to wonder, how is Stony Brook to become a trailblazer in the 21st -century when it cannot adequately ensure that every quadrangle hears the sounds of horrible, blood-curdling noise into the wee hours of the morning?”
The most affected quadrangle, Roosevelt, seemed to welcome the new project.
“Lots of dirt? Really loud forklifts? Grayish, shitty water?” asked Roosevelt resident Rudolph Milgrom about the details of the project. “Yeah, that’s sort of an upgrade.”
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