By: Alex P. (the guy who won the vibrator)

ducky doolittleOn the evening of Thursday, October 8, Ducky Doolittle came to our very own SAC auditorium to give a talk on anatomy and sex, and it was unlike anything your crusty yet benign health teacher in high school ever gave. According to Ducky’s website, she has been (and might still be) a stripper, burlesque dancer, clown, nudie model, foster child, beer baroness and, of course, sex educator. Thanks to the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Alliance (LGBTA’s) eye-catching posters with the word “ORGASM” written in size 72 font, Ducky was able to speak to an auditorium completely packed with horny college students, some of whom she gathered might not be having any sex, and some of whom might have been “complete sluts”.

Ducky opened her talk by shouting “pussy” through the microphone, which incited some cheers from a group in the back of the room who Ducky affectionately referred to as her “pussy cheerleaders”.  She then put a diagram of a female crotch on the overhead projector, and began indicating where everything was with a green marker. She drew a big circle around the clitoris and described it as “the center of the fucking universe” for a female-bodied person. Next on the projector was a side-view diagram of the female reproductive system, almost identical to what you would find in a high school health textbook, except the image included two fingers that had been inserted into the vagina (Ducky put an arrow pointing to the fingertips and wrote “you are here”). To be fair to those in the room with a penis, Ducky also had man-junk show and tell. She explained how porn can be misleading when it shows guys with eight inch cocks, since the average penis size is between five and six inches. The pussy cheerleaders seemed disappointed by this, although they bucked up a bit when it was explained how cock rings can make a guy’s junk seem bigger and harder.

Perhaps the most entertaining part of Ducky’s visit was her recollection of her childhood. Born to a drug-abusing mother, Ducky came into the world with one very lazy eye, two lame legs, and incontinence. Not exactly what comes to mind when you think of when “sex icon”. To solve Ducky’s incontinence problem, a doctor taught her how to do Kegel exercises, which strengthen the muscles that control urination. She did these exercises for a few months and then one day, WA BAM! She was sitting on the toilet, and had a massive, earth shattering orgasm. It was that day when Ducky realized that she was destined to be a “pussy super hero” who would “masturbate her way to success”.

To finish her visit, Ducky raffled off sex toys à la The Price is Right. Everyone in the audience had received a raffle ticket upon entering the auditorium. Ducky called out three numbers at a time, and whoever had the winning tickets got to “come on down” to guess the price of various sex toys. The items ranged from a $5 feather tickler to a $185 luxury vibrator. The contestants had to guess how much they thought a particular item cost, and whoever was closest won the item.

I myself felt particularly bummed as more and more items were leaving the stage, and I still had my raffle ticket in my hand. Then all of a sudden, I heard “7002” called out—the number on my ticket. I jumped out of my seat and (perhaps a bit too aggressively) pushed my way out into the aisle and onto the stage. The item I was to be appraising was a leopard-print pillow, who’s sexuality-enhancing functions I am still unsure of. My guess wasn’t the closest, so I didn’t win the pillow, although I did get to stay up for the next round. This was the last item Ducky was raffling off—a luxury, crème de la crème vibrating massager. The price range was from $100-$300. The first number that popped into my head was “187”, so this is what I went with. The item cost $185, and I was the closest. Ducky handed me the vibrator, and I raised it above my head, as if it was a championship-wrestling belt. Later, exiting the auditorium, I heard people whispering, “Leave it to the guy to win the vibrator. What’s he going to do with it? Maybe he’ll give it to his girlfriend.” I smiled, quietly said, “Nope!”, then followed my entourage to Roth Dining Hall for some late nite greasiness. I invite your imagination to figure out the rest.

Check out Ducky’s website at