Disclaimer: The following story is satire, written for April Fools’ by The Stony Brook Press.
In a move that administrators are calling “revolutionary,” “boundary pushing” and “please stop emailing us,” the Stony Brook University campus store has unveiled its most daring collection yet.
Dubbed the “Seawolf After Dark” collection, the drop aims to “capture the unfiltered spirit of student life.”
We at The Stony Brook Press have compiled the raunchiest items of the bunch, which are sure to make your Wolfie Wallet tingle.
Wolfie Creature Cock
The brand we’ve all experimented with at least once has unexpectedly come to Stony Brook. SBU announced it will be collaborating with the fantasy dildo brand Creature Cocks to release its meatiest item yet, “Wolfie Seawolf Edition Creature Cock.”
Coming in at an outstanding 13 inches, complete with the signature “Seawolf Splurt™,” let Wolfie fill you up until you’re clawing at the walls behind the camera of your asynchronous class.
Amid the announcement, students have reported concerns with the product. One such student, kept anonymous in fear of being exiled from SBU Republicans, told The Stony Brook Press it was too big for their liking.
SBU Thong
Finally, a way to show school spirit in places previously untouched by collegiate branding. Why limit your pride to t-shirts and hoodies?
Featuring a minimalist design (for practical reasons), the thong proudly displays the SBU logo to guarantee attention whether wanted or not. The elastic waistband is tailored to stay put through intense activity, such as late-night study sessions in Melville or speed walking to class on zero sleep.
Available in classic Seawolf colors, it pairs perfectly with absolutely nothing.
Furry Buttplug
Ever feel like you don’t belong at Stony Brook? With the brand-new furry buttplug, you can embody the spirit of being a Seawolf!
Two questions are on everyone’s minds with finals week on the horizon. One, should I drop out? And two, what’s the best way to soothe my nerves?
To answer these questions, a sex toy expert and SBU Turning Point USA member emphasized the importance of always keeping something up your rectum.
“No matter what I’m doing, I always have something poking my g-spot,” the student moaned.
SBU is also offering a buy one, get one 50% off deal that comes with a cleaning kit. But hurry, because these puppies are projected to fly off the shelves on release day!
The Stony Bong
This piece turns the name “Stony Brook” into something a little more literal.
Expertly crafted from lab-grade glass, the base is sturdy with a generously sized chamber. Engineered for “group projects,” it encourages collaboration and deep conversation with your socially awkward peers.
Easy to clean, but impossible to ignore, the Stony Bong is sure to spark reactions.
The entire collection was listed as “sold out,” with a restock rumored just in time for finals weeks because nothing says academic excellence quite like substance abuse.
Statesman Crack Pipe
Ever read The Statesman and wonder, “Why is this such a heaping pile of dog shit?” The Press might have found the answer.
From our thorough internal investigation, it’s been revealed that since its conception, members of The Statesman have been ripping fat hits out of their signature “Statesman crack pipe” before copy editing every article.
The Statesman has recently decided to make the pipe available to the public for the treacherous price of reading one of their articles. Experts project that this item will flop, warning that “nobody reading allat.”
If you ever wanted to live out your fantasy of being a part of The Statesman — which might be worse than smoking crack — then this is your chance!
And there you have it. You are now up to date with all the Seawolves After Dark collection. The drop is a big step for the university, marking it as the second spiciest release right under the announcement of the famous “Wolfie footjob Fridays.”
Happy April Fools’ Day. Remember not to get your SBU thong in a twist.
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