The Stony Brook Press does not encourage anyone to do anything listed below.
Secret Emporium discount
Tired of $10 Pocky and $13 bags of Doritos? Get a secret discount in the Emporium by stuffing your pockets and fucking booking it! The Emporium doesn’t even mind; in fact, they encourage it! Steal from the Emporium Fridays take place weekly this semester.
Free money glitch
We at The Press have recently discovered a simple way to make money on campus in only TWO effortless steps:
- Sign a contract with a music artist or group to write paid “reviews” of their music.
- Find somewhere to publish your biased work. (Pro tip: Don’t let them find out you’re being paid). We recommend the Statesman; we hear they are all for publishing these kinds of reviews. For any inquiries, please email contracts@sbstatesman.com.
And just like that, you are absolutely printing money.
Cunnilingus Olympics
The best box eaters across Stony Brook University fiercely compete to find out who the cunnilingus G.O.A.T.s are. Grab some friends and compete against groups like the lesbians and frat boys. Bisexual women with boyfriends are banned from participating.
Pedestrian bowling
For commuter students sick of slow walking pedestrians in the crosswalks, especially those who don’t do a little jog — just hit them with your car! Bonus points for those riding electric scooters.
Take money from Jeffrey Epstein
Follow in the footsteps of former SBU staff members and (allegedly) take money from Jeffrey Epstein. Imagine the bliss of no longer worrying about textbook prices or meal plan costs. Money is money, right?
Steamy shit in the admin building
Release your frustrations with the university’s administration by hiding a log of poop in the admin building. The better the hiding spot, the more fun the search will be!
NSFW fanfic = grade boost
Anyone in need of extra credit MUST try this method! Instead of answering the discussion board, write a dirty, in-depth and freaky not-safe-for-work fan fiction between you and your professor and throw it on Brightspace for all to see. Most professors LOVE this, and you’re guaranteed extra credit!.
Group goon session
Dying for a group goon session with your lads? No better place than the showers of the Computer Science building. We all know nobody will be in there.
Lot 40 hijacking
Take back what’s yours. Give commuters what they deserve: a free field trip. The only necessary action will be to remove the bus driver; choose whatever method you deem fitting. Give everyone a glimpse of Long Island’s most beautiful attractions, like Jericho Turnpike rush hour traffic, or introduce them to the kind, lovely people of the Hamptons.
Golden shower from the ESS roof
We can’t talk about poop without mentioning pee. If you’re chasing a new thrill, go up to the roof of the Earth & Space Sciences Building and baptize the students below in a warm golden shower. This activity is perfect for the colder weather! The code to the roof door is 8341.
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