LEMUR4LOVE

At the most recent Science on Tap, host Steven Reiner brought in lemur expert Patricia Wright. We found this a curious coincidence considering the recent surfacing of photographs of President Stanley with Wright’s lemur.
We met with Science on Tap’s production assistant’s third cousin once removed who was nowhere near the lemur events taking place to talk about the lemur.
Although not much was revealed to us during this interview, the most basic journalistic deduction presented the revelations for us.
When the distant relative of the production assistant was asked if he knew how long the Lemur and President Stanley were seeing each other, she said “I don’t know who President Stanley is. Why are you talking to me? Go away.”
This indeed confirms the rumors that President Stanley and the Lemur are in some sort of secret, gossip-worthy relationship.
So let’s gossip about dis shit.
Stony Brook University mascot Wolfie has been noted to appear a little saltier than usual. Though his face is a still mascot-head without animation, students note something about his presence which shouts jealousy. We can confirm by this that Wolfie is clearly betrothed to the Lemur and is likely plotting some sort of irrational prank against President Stanley. We think it’s going to be fish in hubcaps.
This jealousy begins to build a somewhat incestuous love triangle, for Wolfie’s obvious lust for the lemur has sparked an emotional response from USG queer mascot Slothie. No response from Slothie has been indicated as of yet but we are also certain that Slothie’s creator, Mario Ferone, has involved himself in this political scandal, for that is his nature.
No response from Mario Ferone has been cited, but keep an eye out for some passive aggressive poopspiration tweets!