Graphic by Vik Pepaj
Nothing’s better than going on a great date. The next day, you might reminisce on the romance and the fun you had. For Samantha Sanso, however, reminiscing only made her realize the flaws in the man she saw.
Women’s dating standards are increasingly debated online. Whether it’s wanting the bare minimum or expecting princess treatment, women do indeed have higher standards than they did 20 years ago.
More women than men think it’s harder to find someone who meets their expectations. Similarly, more women report difficulty in finding someone even looking for the same type of relationship as them.
Often, women find men who appear successful, self-assured and mature. Yet, when examining these men on a deeper level, they find a lack of commitment hidden behind these charms.
Make no mistake, these women have high standards and a confidence that should guide them away from men like this. They simply become blind to these red flags because the guy they’re dating initially checks certain boxes that other men don’t.
In the end, they are continuously willing to celebrate so little without asking for more.
So the question remains: Are women’s standards high enough, or does a man’s exhibited capability and responsibility blind us to warning signs everyone else can see?
Continuously, I’ve been on dates with men who seem to have it all. We share similar values and have intellectual conversations. They’re organized and responsible, working towards goals and keeping their apartments neat and clean. They display genuine emotional maturity and seem to understand the importance of basic respect.
Bare minimum to some, but admittedly a gold mine to me and many others.
But eventually, when things don’t work out and we go our separate ways, I’ll look back and notice the tiny inconsistencies I missed. The occasional condescending tone, the long wait times between texts and the slightly pushy nature when he goes in for that first kiss.
This reflection always leads me to the same question: How could I have been so blind?
The blinding nature of “nice”
Sanso, a senior at SBU, asked herself the same question. She recalled a man she met while upstate, who, months later, responded to a story she had posted. After some back and forth flirting, the two eventually agreed to hang out.
What followed was multiple cancellations and a lack of communication, with her date assuming she would be picking him up. “This wasn’t something that was discussed … Like, I didn’t agree to come get you,” she said.
Sanso, despite these red flags, admits to having fun on the date, “We had a blast … He and I got along so well.”
However, when examining a photo she had taken of him, she realized a glaring issue she hadn’t noticed the day prior.
“I was reminiscing, and I looked at the picture, and I was like, ‘Oh my god. There is no way that this man has hickeys on his neck.’”
She, like so many other women, had missed every sign that this man hadn’t considered her feelings. When asked what convinced her to see him again, Sanso admitted, “He was genuinely nice.” And while being nice is a great quality, what happens when it blinds you to every red flag, and worse, leads you into an unhealthy relationship?
26% of women say dating is riskier compared to 13% of men, and while Sanso’s experiences were overall harmless, they were the exception and not the rule.
Failing to hold the men in our lives to a higher standard can potentially lead to destructive behavior that can be difficult to spot until it’s too late. For over a year, this was senior Ni’yah-Marie Preacely’s reality.
When Preacely got with her ex-boyfriend, she was admittedly going through a difficult time. Having just lost a family member and experiencing money troubles, the only person she felt she could confide in was her ex. He was exactly what she needed in a time of crisis, driving her around and buying her family food whenever he could. Soon, however, he began using these kind acts to excuse his other upsetting behavior, leaving Preacely conflicted.
“He would consistently cross most of the boundaries I would set,” she said, “He would smoke before driving with me and then get upset at me for being upset.”
Preacely also noted how he would let others interfere with their relationship. “His mom kept being rude to me and undermining our relationship, and he would never stand up for me.”
Preacely felt guilty for breaking up with her ex, who had continuously mistreated her. In her eyes, the good he did outweighed the ways he’d hurt her. She found herself asking, “Am I a bad person for wanting to leave this relationship?”
This is the exact feeling an SBU freshman faced after entering a relationship full of emotional manipulation and distress.
Choosing to remain anonymous to avoid her ex-boyfriend contacting her, the student described her ex as initially “emotionally intelligent” and someone who “knew how to treat a woman, and talk to one.“
However, on their earlier dates, she noticed unsavory behavior that later became predatory. While at a music festival, her ex asked if he could kiss her. Although she said no, he seemed disappointed and continued asking until she eventually gave in.
“I was like, ‘You know, he’s chill, right?’ But like, I should have picked up the red flag of him trying to pressure me,” she said. “But at that point I was still like ‘Oh my God, this man’s perfect.’”
The two were together for nine months. During this time, he continued to pressure her until the end of their relationship, even sexually assaulting her while visiting for his birthday.
“I was manipulating myself into thinking everything was fine because I wanted it to be fine. I wanted to pretend I was okay with everything.”
This student wanted to protect her perception of her ex-boyfriend. She wanted to believe the man she’d initially fallen for was a reality, despite his repulsive behavior towards her proving otherwise. It was easier to ignore his flaws, and it resulted in him hurting her.
Why this keeps happening
With 75% of daters saying they found it very or somewhat difficult to find people to date, it’s clear that dating is hard for everyone. But for women, they seem to have trouble finding people who make them feel safe, meet their expectations and want the same things they do. When looking at the statistics, why wouldn’t women jump at the chance to be in a relationship that seems even slightly promising?
It makes sense that women would see a few positive features of a man they’re dating, and let the negatives slip through the cracks. It may feel easier to ignore these things than to address them or jump back into a dating pool with no feasible prospects. However, refusing to acknowledge the setbacks of someone you’re dating could leave you frustrated and alone, or, worse, put you in direct danger.
While it’s normal to have flaws and to accept someone for their flaws, it isn’t normal to ignore them altogether. Not for the fantasy of a man who’s displayed bare-minimum attributes, especially when they’d expect the same and more from women.
No longer can we allow the men we date to take advantage of our unwillingness to want more for ourselves. We must stop grading them on a curve because they have never and would never grade us on one.
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