Oh no! Has a female rejected your sexual advances again? Are you a sincerely nice guy who only wants to know what the female touch feels like? Did your female break up with you because you “gaslit” and “mistreated” her? It’s hard to cope with rejection, I know. Well guess what — now you don’t have to own up to your mistakes! Just start a podcast.
Creating a podcast run by men, for men, is a fast and easy way to nurse your fragile ego. You’ll be in a safe space where you can complain about arbitrary things, mostly directed towards the gentler sex. So, if you’re a man seeking to become the ultimate podcaster, look no further than my 11-step guide to becoming a truly insightful host like I have.
Step 1: Be an alpha male
This is self explanatory — you either got it or you don’t, king.
Step 2: Comment on the female body
This one is important. Females need our validation so they know how to please us. Always comment on their bodies. Remember, they have to have the basics: big tits (because every true alpha male has mommy issues), wide hips, a fat ass with no stretch marks or cellulite and a snatched waist. Bearing our children (read: sons) is the exception to this rule, until the kid pops out. Once they do, your woman better hit the gym, or she’s being traded in for a new model.
Step 3: Speak loudly and with purpose
Step 4: Money, money, money!
Flaunt that wealth, king! Your hard work needs to be shown off. While doing this, always mention all the hoes in your life who only want you for that check — these can be real or imagined.
Step 5: Talk about your value
These females don’t know your true value, king. They’re out here on the streets and in the sheets while you’re out making moves and investing in your brand. Bring this up at least four times during your podcast, and don’t forget to mention how nice you are. You’ll make your bitch ex Tammy wish she never left you in that Red Lobster parking lot, sobbing on your knees — feel free to substitute your equivalent alpha origin story here.
Step 6: Put females in their place
This new generation of females is a joke. Feminism has ruined the quality of females. All they care about is sex and money, but they never want it from you for some reason. They’re out here with 50 bodies, but when a nice, hard, working guy comes along, they choose the streets. Chin up, king, they’ll hear all about it in your podcast.
Step 7: Invite a female guest to interrupt
Interestingly, females don’t watch alpha male podcasts — probably because they can’t handle the truth. Invite a female that’s hot but basic onto your show, and remember the golden ratio: allow her to speak for no more than 30 seconds during the entire 58-minute episode. Always speak over her (loudly), and make sure to remind her of her worth. I consistently choose brunettes that are way out of my league so I can reenact arguments with that cunt Tammy.
Step 8: Gesture wildly
Nothing gets people’s attention like waving your hands around violently. It’s how I got the cops called on me three times in one day, and how I made sure everyone at that Red Lobster was listening.
Step 9: Talk about how it feels to be a female
Females are too simple-minded to express their feelings. It’s up to us to speak for them. After all, no one knows them better than men. Nothing makes females happier than being submissive and taking care of us, feeding us, cleaning us, coddling us and unconditionally loving us — why would our mommies do it if it wasn’t their life’s passion?
Step 10: Slut-shaming
Men are wrongfully called “fuckboys” when really, we’re deep and emotionally intelligent creatures. We have big hearts and just want to love our females. Sometimes we resort to surprise polygamy, but it means nothing when you’re with the one. Men shouldn’t be judged by their sexual encounters, but by how they attempt to make up for them. (Please forgive me, baby. I promise I’ll be better, Tammy. Just give me a chance.)
Step 11: WHORES
Females are nothing but dirty whores who lie and cheat because they don’t know anything else. They don’t understand the complexities of the male mind and can’t even fathom what having an ounce of testosterone is like. They’ll never realize how superior we are. I am a self-proclaimed incel — that’s right, Tammy. You could never fulfill me the way my boys can. I’ve never felt more like a man. The man inside me has come to realize that females are overrated. I’ve finally found my space you bitch, hope you rot in your whore hell!
Okay guys, that’s all for my list. For other alpha male advice, check out my podcast on Spotify, Dismantling the Matriarchy, where me and my boy Throckie talk about all of these topics and more. Don’t forget to follow me on my insta, @bassproAlph1 where I post at least 10 fishing photos a week featuring my backwards hat and my gnarly neckbeard.
Remember fellas, if we can’t feel good about ourselves, we’ll tear down any female that has even an ounce of self-respect to feel better online for the world to see. Go team!