Art by Jin Ton
Longtime Suffolk County resident Barbara S. Stuart has made several reports to animal control officials to no avail, until this week. Her lawn was riddled with what she had assumed to be animal feces. What stumped professionals was the presence of glitter in said feces. Mrs. B.S. Stuart claimed to have purchased no glitter and, upon investigation, it has been revealed that the glitter was produced by whatever had left the droppings. With the risk of a new invasive species on the loose, a local animal control agency made quick work of the situation. The experts at the Weiner-Reginald Animal Liability Organization found what they believed to be a nest of rabid, hive-minded, miniature creatures. Measuring about three feet tall, these pests have made what appears to be a makeshift village similar in character to a Long Island town behind Mrs. Stuart’s residence. When asked about how her concerns began, Mrs. Stuart said:
“It all started when I went to get my tool box out of my shed. I looked behind it when I saw some type of red fabric a little to the side of it.”
A pile of popular Elf on the Shelf Christmas toys were being stored behind Mrs. Stuart’s shed. This was especially shocking to the We.R. Liars crew because there have been mass reports of small, brightly colored household items missing, along with the rearranging of garden gnomes into compromising positions. It was almost impossible to address such claims before having any conclusive evidence to show. Now that a nest has been found, they have kept a closer eye on the main area of infestation. The We.R. tracking team has yet to actually sight a creature, but witnesses say the pests often wear seasonal coverings to stay warm. Their diet consists of sweets — homeowners in the area report garbage cans rummaged through for stale marshmallows and expired Christmas candy. The team has no idea what else these creatures may consume, as the contents of their feces remain a mystery.
However, they can say for sure that the creatures have factions among themselves. They seem to have a localized style of nesting. Scratches on the bottom of trees indicate infighting for territory between two groups.
Rumors among local children have been quite astonishing. Barbara’s own granddaughter claims that “elves” have been harassing their dog, Baxter, who has clumps of hair missing on his shoulder blades.
“It’s the elves pulling his hair!” she said, near tears.
Whether or not elves are rodeo-bucking local dogs, please lock up your garbage cans, sweets and pets until authorities can determine whether these animals are safe.