Students concerned about health risks of drinking coffee can now consume it through IV drip instead.

STONY BROOK, NY – It’s a well known fact that drinking coffee has its dangers, which is why many Stony Brook University students are now opting to inject it directly into their veins.

The trend comes as part of the school’s initiative to use its status as a leading health sciences school to advocate healthier living. “These caffeinated beverages are highly marketable and seen everywhere in the media,” says second year clinical lab sciences major Jacqueline Clark. “We think it’s irresponsible to promote such unhealthy habits, so we’re taking it upon ourselves to promote a better way to get these chemicals into our bloodstreams.”

Students who have adopted this new technique have reported overwhelmingly positive results. “My resting pulse rate beats as quick as a heart attack, but at least I’m never dehydrated,” said one satisfied seawolf.

And the benefits go far beyond just the health related. Supporters identify several social perks of the craze, such as its ability to shut up the nonbelievers who complain that coffee doesn’t really affect them.

Additionally, many students report that coffee consumption through IV drip has helped them conquer their fear of needles, and has given pre-med students plenty of eager people to practice on.

Even campus coffee retailers are jumping on the bandwagon. All Starbucks locations on campus will now offer IV fluid bags in tall, grande and venti. Members of their rewards program will even be provided free refills.

The Dunkin’ Donuts in Tabler Quad is also participating. In an effort to create a competitive edge over other campus coffee retailers, they’ll be offering free flavor “shots” to anyone who orders their coffee intravenously. (The company had no comment when asked how flavor shots will improve coffee that is not drinken.)

While this new innovation is greatly changing the campus culture, Stony Brook University’s administration reaffirms that their top priority is improving the physical well-being of their students. “This is no doubt an improvement on our previous methods of consuming caffeine,” says Deborah Zelizer, the head of the school’s health and wellness program. “We’re aware that there are still concerns over coffee’s ability to cause irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure, insomnia and addiction, but we’re not going to undermine our students’ independence by telling them to cut back on caffeine because we understand that’s not a reasonable option,” Zelizer said. “Instead we are offering healthier ways to go about a fundamental aspect of your average student’s daily life.”

When asked about concerns that consuming coffee through IV drip may intensify certain side effects such as those previously mentioned, Zelizer said “That is something we are aware of. But when you see how fewer students are suffering from yellow teeth, bad breath, and frequently needing to pee at inconvenient times, it makes little things like an increased risk of heart attack worth it.”

Still, some students remain skeptical that consuming caffeine through an IV is safe, many of whom have turned to taking caffeine pills instead.

In the future, Stony Brook’s administration hopes to see the IV system implemented in other SUNY and CUNY schools throughout the state of New York. With any luck, students across the country will be getting their caffeine fix through a tube within the span of the next few years.

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