After falling out of a third story window, area man Timothy Brewer has reportedly seen his life changed forever.
“Before the accident, I was a jack of all trades. I had no special talents. Then I fell out of a third story window, and my life changed forever,” Brewer said.
Brewer couldn’t have guessed it then, but his fall was the beginning of an incredible metamorphosis.
“I have lost thousands of brain cells, my IQ has plummeted, and now, I struggle with completing rudimentary human tasks on an everyday basis,” the former postman said.
Having suffered a debilitating blow to the hippocampus, Brewer is amazed to discover that he is no longer capable of simple addition, wiggling his big toe, or recalling the date of his own birth.
“Whereas before I was simply average at math, I am now abjectly terrible at it.”
It hasn’t taken long for Brewer’s story to attract attention from leading psychologists around the world, and TLC. Critics project that the soon-to-premiere reality series “Formerly Capable of a Broad Range of Human Faculties” will be a hit with viewers in full possession of their human faculties. Anticipating the success of “Formerly Capable”, TLC is already planning a spinoff-series, “Counting With Tim”, in which the Long Island native agonizingly counts to ten over the course of five seasons.
“It’s going to be a game changer,” a TLC spokesman said.
Meanwhile, Brewer is at Frankfurt University, where a team of renowned psychologists are working to understand his rare condition.
“Typically, when somebody survives a fall out of a third story window, they acquire a remarkable ability to play Mozart, or smell colors,” Robert Hefferweisen, the team’s leader, said. “Brewer’s case is truly an anomaly.”
Hefferweisen and his researchers have only begun debating cause and effect.
“It is as yet unclear whether the blow actually effected a change in Timothy’s brain chemistry, or he was simply an idiot the whole time,” Hefferweisen added.
Scans of Brewer’s brain activity have shown, among other things, a startling preoccupation with box turtles.
“We are on the brink of a great discovery,” Hefferweisen said. “There is no telling where Timothy may lead us.”
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