Colorado’s doing it. Washington’s doing it. Everyone’s doing it. It’s national peer pressure these days for legalizing marijuana. We know the Christians and Rednecks oppose legalizing but what about people actually in the industry? The Bill Gates and Steve Jobs of dealing. It’s a dog-eat-dog world but someone’s got to do it.
I interviewed some of the brightest minds in the drug dealing industry about their thoughts on legalizing marijuana.
Richard Nixon-Known for doing whatever it takes, this ex-president has really found his niche. President Nixon knew how to blow trees like no other. He was known best for his legacy preserving national parks and could easily be called the “Godfather of Weeds.” Now going under the alias Dr. Grinspoon, Nixon is keeping the American dream alive through a séance, where we were able to contact his dank spirit.
Crystal– The ladylove of the black market, Crystal is the neck that controls the
New York industry’s head. Sultry and beautiful, with long purple hair, the vixen is known in the drug community for growing the best Poison Haze.
S.R. and partner J.F. (opted to remain anonymous)- Between surviving the end of the world and Bound 3 among a few of their adventures, the duo has created one of the biggest pot rings of the western coast.
Lola Tan-She took Stony Brook by storm as Queen of the Green in Lauterbur. Tan, reformed from her dealing days after a stint in the Suffolk County Correctional Facility, reflects on her on experience in the trade as well as advice for other struggling drug lords.
Q: So let’s just jump into it. How do you guys feel about legalizing recreational marijuana?
S.R.: Yeah, I could see that being chill. I mean, we’d still get to grow our own stuff right?
J.F: Yeah, for sure, I mean it would be awesome to have a farm growing in front of my parent’s house in Palo Alto. Sorry, I’m still dealing with my childhood.
Q: Mr. Nixon, would you consider yourself the best marijuana grower in the USA? And would you make the jump to becoming certified by the government?
R.N.: Dr. Grinspoon, please.
Q: Right, sorry, Dr. Grinspoon.
Dr. Grinspoon: Well, let me just say this, I am not a crook but I am A-Z in the telephone book when it comes to the sticky icky. The government is the last group of people I’d want controlling my drugs. You saw how good they were with crack in the 80s.
Q: Lola, is it true that leaving large amounts of money and drugs in the open is a bad idea?
L.T.: Nope, its never failed me before!
Q: Crystal, is your name an allusion to another drug or were your parents just fans of crystals? Do you think New York is going to legalize marijuana soon and if so, will you seek a new profession?
C: I like to consider myself a street pharmacist but my parents were also fans of crystals. I think I’m safe when it comes to New York because the strain I grow is hard to find and in high demand. I’m the Walter White of the marijuana industry in the Northeast. I guess if my drug career doesn’t work out, I’ll just get into stripping.
J.F.: Listen, we are entrepreneurs here. What we sell is one of the most requested products. Kids, homeless people, parents. Fuck, I even sold to my grandmother yesterday.
Q: Are you high right now?
S.R.: Don’t answer that, man.
L.T.: No, he’s right! I was making a killing. Paying for my education psshhhh I was paying my own 401 (k).
R.N.: See! We don’t need public health care or unemployment benefits. Give them a pound and see what an American man can do.
C: Or woman.
Q: So what you all are telling me is that you own your own business and have lived off enormous profits even with federal law and the DEA trying to stop you.
R.N.: Listen, I’m not saying its been easy but you gotta do what you gotta do.
J.F.: The popo just doesn’t understand.
S.R.: Yea, its like freedom of expression.
J.F.: Dude, remember the time we “expressed” when I put my leg through your windshield?
S.R.: Ha ha ha that was nuts, man. Remember the time you were high for around 127 hours straight?
Q: Please stop referencing the movies you’ve been in.
J.F.: Or what about the time when you were knocked up?
Q: You’re not even trying anymore. Men can’t get pregnant.
S.R.: Yet. I’ve seen the movie Junior.
Q: Alright, Lola, you’re a familiar with the Stony Brook scene. What would legalizing mean for students?
L.T.: We would see a huge increase in art class enrollments and it wouldn’t be cool to own Bob Marley posters anymore. Plus, fuck Stony Brook police.
C: Lola’s actually my idol. She inspired me to branch out to the education market. Those middle schoolers know what’s up.
L.T.: Thanks girl. I’m thinking about getting into motivational speaking.
Q: Mr. Nix–I mean Dr. Grinspoon, did you ever think legalizing was ever going to happen?
R.N.: I kinda wish it had. At least Deep Throat would have chilled out.
S.R.: Ha ha ha deep throat.
J.F.: Hey you know what else is sticky? Spider-Man.
Q: Crystal, you said you sell to kids on the blackmarket. If or when marijuana is legalized, how will it affect your customers?
C: Since most states have an age restriction, I’d still have those customers but the soccer moms won’t need me. That’s half my revenue.
R.N.: Let’s just all agree. No one wants to see this legalization madness to happen. The government will start taxing it and then shit hits the fan. Listen, it’s called Parks and Recreation, not Parks and Recreational Drugs.
L.T.: Yeah, I sell at a set rate…I think we can assume everyone knows what that is.
S.R.: Yeah, it would be Superbad.
J.F.: NO LEGALIZATION. I can leave now right? I kinda have something to get to…