MY NUTBAG TASTES LIKE FAYGO GRAPEFoaming from the mouths, masses of people clutch their basketballs and their Faygo Red Pop while forming so called “brackets.” Every March, and even in some Aprils, madness grips the soul of many, leading them to paint their faces and mumble about Los Angeles.

I decided to investigate the origins of this madness by listening to their mumbles of insanity and flying off to Los Angeles. This was a terrible idea on my part as I was stabbed by a homeless man puncturing my liver, and I spent all of my time in a hospital on morphine. Morphine is incredible. I decided to follow the other clue I had… Faygo Red Pop. Detroit, MI, land of dreams… A factory producing this carbonated beverage was my destination and it had to be here somewhere.

My search brought me into the middle of a gang war over territory and I suffered four bullet wounds, one split my right femur in half and another collapsed my right lung. I woke up in the hospital a week later with a new robotic lung installed in my chest and a cast over my right leg. The hospital was reluctant to let me leave but I refused to let them stop my important investigation.

Upon leaving the hospital, I fainted and when I awoke, found myself in the care of clowns spraying that soda pop all over one another. They noticed I was awake and held a mirror to my face to reveal they had painted my face like them. I tried to wipe the paint from my face but they sprayed Faygo Candy Apple onto me and eased my worries. Somewhere deep in my mind, I knew my investigation was testing my own sanity. I had been dealing with madness for so long that I was becoming mad.

I began to question them and found they believed the origin of madness to come from a duo called “The Insane Clown Posse.” Hobbling as fast I could, I was struck by a pick-up truck and woke in a hospital once more. The truck had shattered my hip and after several months of intensive surgery and learning to walk again, I decided that maybe I would use the Internet to further my research. I went to various rare websites including, but not limited to, Google and Wikipedia. When I finally discovered the Insane Clown Posse, that’s when the epiphany hit—they paint their faces because of their madness.

Who painted their faces before them? Kiss. What’s a kiss? Something I’ve never done. When do people kiss? When they’re on kiss cams at basketball games. Basketballs, Faygo…the dots are connecting and the origin of madness will soon be known.

The next lead was in the country we strong and beautiful Americans rebelled against so we could live pure lives in complete freedom with our brave soldiers ever guarding these god-given liberties, so say we all. Apparently there was a band that called themselves Madness from the UK. Arriving there by plane, I discovered I couldn’t understand anything they were saying. They were sort of speaking English but they had funny words that were longer than 2 syllables. Most people there had no idea what I meant when I yelled “MADNESS!” at them until finally, I came across someone in a 3-piece suit. He informed me that the band members were indeed the origin of Madness so I sought them out.

I found all of the members at a local pub in Stoke-on-Trent, discussing their inferior non-American (Semper Fi) politics. Apparently they had discovered time travel and travel through time in this strange blue police box and spread their insanity throughout all of time and space. I was dealing with near god-like creatures here so I decided it would be best to just thank them for their time and be on my way. Have you ever wondered why people go insane? Now you know it’s because a band from the 70s discovered time travel by using a blue police box and they travel through time making other people insane. But wait, how did they become insane in the first place?

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