Oh, hello, Stony Brook students! My name is Mr. Marion Moseby. You may remember me from the hit documentary series The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, which authentically chronicled my affairs as the manager of the luxurious Tipton Hotel during the years from 2005 to 2008.
If you recall, I was always extremely busy trying to keep Zack and Cody from demolishing my hotel, and though they have since moved on to college, I am still subject to similar antics from a new set of guests. Knowing that, you may wonder why I set aside valuable time to write for your juvenile and lackluster undergraduate news magazine. But what I am about to say is so imperative to your future successes that I must say it now, and wherever I can. I am here to warn you, Stony Brook. I have heard that a new Hilton Garden Inn has almost been completed on your esteemed grounds, and I must tell you that once it opens, your lives will never be the same again.
Hotels are havens for horrendous sitcom hijinks that will slowly begin to control you. Believe me. I used to have aspirations, yet now I am nothing more than a high-strung antagonistic caricature of my former self. You can only get hit with so many desserts before you too will want to abandon all hope and begin to cry yourself to sleep every night.
You see, once the Hilton Garden Inn has opened, someone will have to be at the whims of 135 rooms full of guests. And each guest will inevitably place ludicrous demands on some poor manager, or worse, the campus as a whole. For all you know, by this time next year you could be teaching some rich sap how to drive a car, serving outrageous foods at comical parties, dealing with the ghosts that will inevitably be haunting whatever rooms have numbers that end in 13, or helping the Great Gonzo build an air conditioner. All that has happened to me; it all could happen to you.
But worst of all is the fact that this on-campus hotel will likely contain a bar. For years, I thought that the worst thing I could ever have to do was stop the craziness caused by two thrill-seeking, button-pushing preteens. I should never have leapt to conclusions. The only thing that could be worse than absurd buffoonery is absurd buffoonery caused by drunken college students. It is bad enough that the hapless hotel manager will have to deal with the aforementioned shenanigans caused by guests, let alone those caused by you and your drunken compatriots. Do you know the sort of thing that happens at hotel bars? I shudder to think what could occur if impractical, impressionable youths like yourselves got your hands on alcohol. It would be worse than Season 2, Episode 15, I assure you.
If anything can stop the havoc that will otherwise undoubtedly be unleashed, it will be the fact that many hotel bars sell their alcohol at steep prices, which will deter young vagrants from tromping in your lobby and vomiting all over your guests. Perhaps there will be no bar at all. Unlikely, but a tired manager can hope. Let us all cross our fingers.
Still, if you are reading this article, brace yourselves for the worst. Ridiculous things are guaranteed to happen once the bar opens, and your lives will never be the same again. Perhaps they will not affect you; perhaps the chaos will be contained within those 3.7 acres and never reach the elysium of your dorm. In that case, I implore you: be reasonable, children. Remember that the Hilton Garden Inn will be run by a less handsome, less charming version of me…who is still worthy of your sympathy. If you remain rational and calm, you will be able to weather this sitcom storm. I assure you.