Hey everyone. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written to all of you, maybe a couple thousand years or so. If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been trying to avoid direct communication with y’all mortals; Vague and mysterious symbolism is kind of my style. But fuck, I’ve been stepping up my divine messages game lately and no one seems to be picking up what I’m trying to tell the masses. I’m left with no other choice but to appeal to you through the boring medium of writing in your favorite college magazine.

Look: I’ve been planning this “End of the World” thing for a while now. I’ve gone through with eight or so mass extinctions, and they have all been meticulously planned and executed. I was looking forward to going through with this one because you guys are the first of my creations to recognize my existence. As you can imagine, I’ve been getting pretty stoked to see everyone praising me and begging for mercy from my totally awesome power. But other than only a handful of the weirdest of you motherfuckers, no one has caught my obvious signs that I’m going to brutally destroy you all on December 21.

Granted, maybe leaving foggy evidence with a long-ago conquered civilization wasn’t the most believable of signs. But have you seen what I’ve been doing to the world lately? I sent you guys a hurricane and a blizzard in the middle of autumn within a week of one another. What more evidence do all of you need that I’m going to rip every fiber of your being into shreds in just about a month? And for the love of Me, stop contributing my signs to that “climate change” bullshit. You really think your pathetic little SUVs have been sowing the seeds of your destruction? Please, I can—and have—wiped out villages in Asia with a single sneeze.

Just do me a favor and kneel at my greatness. Really, it’s the least you can do after I gave you all life in the first place. Those of you who chose the right religion will be spared and sent to heaven of course, but I’m not saying which one it is. That would really ruin the fun.

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