After being defamed and humiliated by the Stony Brook Press two weeks ago, very short comedian Kevin Hart took revenge on the publication by beating the shit out of staff writer Daniel Cashmar at approximately 3 p.m. on Friday, February 17, university police said.

According to witnesses, Hart lunged at an unsuspecting Cashmar, the nearest person to the front door of the office, as he was biting into a slice of pizza. He proceeded to punch Cashmar in the face 482 times while forcing his victim to keep count. Hart stopped when his victim passed out. Cashmar sustained minor injuries, including, but not limited to, a loss of four teeth and severe damage to his nose and left eye that will most likely need to be corrected with cosmetic surgery.

“Why would you immature college students write something like that about me?” asked Hart of the rest of the losers who practically live in the Press office. “And what’s the deal with the Chris Rock photo? That’s really racist, man.”

“We didn’t mean it in a racist way,” said staff writer Andi Liao, who is often referred to as “Asian Andi” around the office.

“I got this,” said Web Editor Trevor Christian. “We were actually kind of mad that you would only give one interview and when we didn’t get picked in the lottery to do it, we decided to have a little fun on the page. It’s nothing personal what we wrote about you. We just did it because we don’t like you.”

“Why did you have to make me sound like such an asshole though?” Hart asked.

“We thought if we made it sound ridiculous and vulgar enough, and even included a bit about how you didn’t give us an interview inside the interview, that people would understand that it was satire and would enjoy it for what it was. We also used the picture of Chris Rock to be completely sure that readers would be suspicious as soon as they glanced at the page. The last thing we wanted to do was totally spoil the joke by spelling out that it was fake with a disclaimer,” Christian explained.

“Well obviously it was fake! I mean, what idiot would honestly think I would respond to a question like, “Would you rather have anal sex with a questionable hooker but she violently shits all over you after and pics of it leak on the internet or get the best blow jay ever but wake up on a deserted island with enough food to live out your life?”” Hart said. “That’s just preposterous.”

“Well, that’s what we thought,” said Executive Editor Nick Statt, who emerged out of The Press office’s archives room upon realizing that Hart was exhausted and had taken most of his anger out on Cashmar.

“What upsets me is that people actually came to me questioning my moral character after thinking the interview was real.” Hart said. “That means that it is obviously your duty as student journalists of an alternative publication known for its tendency to push boundaries to cave in to the stupidity of your readers and publish a disclaimer alongside your satire pieces.”

“I can see the benefit of that argument,” responded Statt, “but we came to the conclusion that readers incapable of differentiating between satire and serious content aren’t necessarily the readers we are trying to reach. It isn’t our duty as the alternative publication to simply report the facts and nothing else. Instead, we like to incite debate and push the limits a bit for the sake of humor and to celebrate the fact that college journalism shouldn’t be a dry and pathetic imitation of professional journalism, but a unique form of content characterized by different generations of students.”

“Well, as a comedian, I can agree with that. After all, you’re students. When you graduate, you’ll never have the opportunity to have fun, play jokes and experiment. You’ll just be slaves to the higher-ups and basically boot-lick your way to having enough power to force younger generations to do the same,” Hart said with a nod of his freakishly large head made that much more apparent by his short stature.

“Thanks for understanding,” said Christian. Then, according to witnesses, he made the mistake of trying to get a real interview with Hart, who then collapsed back into a fit of fury and beat Christian over the head with a cardboard cut-out of Boba Fett.

Cashmar and Christian have decided not to press charges as Hart made amends with the staffers and offered to smooth out the sometimes-fragile relationship the news organization has with the Undergraduate Student Government. “They love me over there,” Hart explained. “They’ll do anything I ask.”

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