I know what you must be thinking, “Is the Super Bowl just a very large bowl?” No, it is not. Many are excited to watch this Super Bowl, the finale to a season of American Football. It is strange. There’s a ball, but not in the traditional, spherical sense. It’s sort of shaped like Arnold’s head from Hey Arnold!. There are two teams and they’re composed of very large men who stand around doing nothing for most of the match. At times they hit each other and then other men with monochromatic uniforms think about if they liked how they moved for those moments. One man throws the ball to another and then that man runs as fast as he can. The other team tries to cause as much bodily harm possible to whoever holds the ball. One would think that their feet would touch the ball in a sport called “American Football” but perhaps the American prefix reverses or negates the second word. American cheese, anyone?

The Super Bowl is between two teams: the New York Giants and the New England Patriots. New York is a state in America but New England is not—that’s a region. I’m not sure why they can’t settle on one state. However, the Giants typically play in New Jersey, so perhaps they should switch to a regional team name. Contrarily, the Giants are in fact, not giants, but regular humans. Some of them are quite tall, but I believe being a giant also requires wielding a club and trying to kill demigods. The Patriots could be patriotic. That’s their own personal choice and it’s difficult to judge someone based on their appearance. This is especially so when their bodies are covered in ceremonial armor and are physically hurting others for sport.

These teams have played each other before in recent history, so many believe this match may be round two. In their previous encounter, the Giants were victorious, but the Patriots didn’t commit ritual suicide to save their honor. That’s not part of the culture of this sport, apparently.

Many watch the Super Bowl strictly for the advertisements. They watch the sport for the opportunity to not watch the sport and have products sold to them. Perhaps watching grass grow will become a new activity for them as well.

During one of the long breaks when they were not smashing their bodies into each other, a woman that appeared to be the queen of an ancient civilization arrived. Everyone watched in silence as the queen sang and wooed many men with her mating dance. There was a woman named Nicki Minaj who was very beautiful. Hit me up, Nicki and we’ll get sushi with my meal points. At the end of her courting ritual a pillar of light consumed the matriarch and left the words “world peace” burning on the field.

In this bout the two teams seemed to be quite evenly matched. A curious thing to me is that the fat men sumo wrestling did not suffer from heart attacks due to their sudden movements. The Giants were victorious over the Patriots, with much jubilation from my neighbors. The queen’s champion was chosen to be Eli Manning. He was the man on the Giants responsible for throwing the ball to the other men on his team.

If this sounds enjoyable, it’s a shame you have to wait several months to start watching, as you missed the finale. If this doesn’t sound enjoyable, hockey is currently in season.

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