By Nick Statt

Obama and Paterson
Obama and Paterson

In a shocking turn of events involving the recent controversy over NY Governor David Paterson’s decision to run for governor, President Obama was heard off the record saying some rather alarming insults on Monday, September 21.

“I mean, sometimes I just wonder what he’s doing up there. He’s certainly not winning any popularity awards and then just decides to totally ignore my request for him to pull out,” Obama said casually after the first portion of his interview with Terry Moran of NBC. “So does that count as the first question?” Moran responded. “I, I hear you – I agree with you. He’s a jackass. He’s also legally blind and in all honesty I just can’t have that anymore,” Obama whispered, thinking that his off the record comments would stay amongst him, Moran and her camera crew. To his surprise, Moran breached her journalistic integrity to tweet these comments to the whole world.

“Pres. Obama just called Gov. Paterson a ‘jackass’ for his decision to still run for governor. Now THAT’S presidential,” said Moran’s tweet. Moran has been subsequently “Keith Oberlin-ed,” as they say in the business, by an infuriated NBC. Expect to see her new commentator program later this fall.

Upon reading this comment while perusing his Twitter account, Paterson was outraged. “It’s on. Really I’m not playing. He thinks I’m going to pull out of the governor race now. Fuck that. It’s all about spite now,” tweeted Paterson early the next morning.

Following the Governor’s infuriated tweet, one of the most controversial arguments involving a U.S. President has ensued. Throughout the week, both Obama and Paterson have both publicly and privately sent out attacks in an attempt to verbally one up their opponent.

“So that’s how it’s going to be, huh? Brother against brother?” Paterson said after being told that Obama wouldn’t be opposed to “socking him once or twice in the mouth.” Paterson finished out the surprisingly emotional interview with NBC’s David Gregory by saying, “That grey-haired grandpa couldn’t touch me. I’m like Daredevil. My acute hearing would carry me all day.”

The back and forth from the President and New York’s heavily disliked governor has created an enormous buzz on the commentator circuit. Jelly donut-human hybrid Rush Limbaugh, famous for getting his start on the Food Network by questioning Rachel Ray’s sexuality, has called Paterson’s comments in the Gregory interview as pulling the “competitive race/physical disability card.” The term, recently coined by Limbaugh himself, accuses Paterson of feeling both that he has to compete with Obama because they’re both African Americans in powerful political positions and also that his physical disability is a subject that shouldn’t be touched by insults.

“The man thinks because he’s legally blind that that means we can’t make fun of him for it. He’s got to realize this is the real world and physical disabilities are not just funny, but deadly argument winners,” said Limbaugh on the Wednesday following Obama’s remarks.

In a rather expected turn of events, rapper and neo-Jesus Kanye West has stepped out of his media exile to side with Paterson after feeling equally victimized by the President’s fiery insults.

“It’s not every day that a mother fucking lyrical wordsmith backs you up, and against the President of all people. I’m the Gov.’s boxing gloves and Obama better prepare to duke it out with the voice of our generation. Jesus Walks,” Kanye pronounced with an audacious confidence in a recent interview with MTV.

As the week wraps up, President Obama has voiced further frustration.

“Believe me, if I didn’t have to go arm-to-arm with Britain and France to accuse Iran of covertly producing nuclear fuel underground and persuade the U.N. to keep the Honduran presidential controversy from turning violent, I’d give Mr. West and Governor Paterson a taste of my their own medicine. But as former President Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, ‘I got a lot of shit to do.’”

One can only hope that these juicy media insults will curdle over before they get too out of hand. A number of YouTube videos, blog posts and purposeless civilian tweets have collected to amass a strong public opinion, but the question of whether or not it will be necessary to have the public weigh in on this brutal week-long argument will be answered soon enough. A clue came in the form of Paterson’s ominous statement early yesterday morning, “I’m swinging and I ain’t gonna stop. So he better fall back.”


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