By Ross “Typical College Student” Barkan

Oh my God, oh my God, Barack Obama is on the TV! There he is, yo, get your Obama t-shirts and pins and hats and other assorted Obama shit ready, we gotta cheer really loud! Yeah! Go Obama, Go Obama! Tell those retards in the other suite to shut the hell up, Obama’s gonna speak.

We got some beer, some chips, and a lot of self-righteousness. Nice. Yo Brad, throw me an Obama towel. I need it to wipe the Obama anticipation sweat from my Obama boxers.

Yes, douche, I saw him speak live. Like ten times. Maybe six. Three. One. Whatever I go to his website all the time. Stick it to the old white men, Obama we love you!

Wait, what? Rich, you’re telling me you’re not voting for Obama? The fuck are you talking about? Didn’t you see everyone’s “Yes We Can” sweatshirts? Jesus, did you even see the dude on Oprah? I mean, Barack Obama is one of us, man. I saw him play basketball on Sportscenter. Huh? Nader? No, fag, I’m not wasting my vote on some other douche who can’t even repeat awesome shit really loudly.

Obama said something! I sorta heard it! Yeeeaaahhhhhhh!


No, what Rich? I don’t wanna hear from you anymore. You’re a racist. It’s the 21st century man, we’ve moved beyond all this stuff about white people being president. We’re ready for change, man, change. Do you even know what that means, you stupid racist? Go back to the South with your slaves and let us enjoy the most awesome president ever. Obaaammmaaaaaaahhhh!!

Yo, this is so cool. Obama knows me, man, he’s gonna do stuff! Like…things. Super fucking awesome things. Like I heard, on the web I think, that health care might be free sorta kinda. Sorta kinda free! Woooooooohh! My buddy Rob said Obama used to say stuff even awesomer but now’s gotta back down to win over all those douchebags in the Midwest. Who gives a fuck about Idohoma or whatever anyway. I mean—he just said “Yes we can” again on television. Yeeeaahhhh!!!!!!

Let’s go Obama, let’s go, c’mon everybody clap, except faggot Rich the racist. I mean, if you like Obama, you’re automatically not a racist. Saw it on some real political blogs and things. I read on Wikipedia that Obama used to organize shit in the community, so Brad and I decided that this summer we might actually drive into a black neighborhood and maybe roll down the windows. Maybe. O-BAM-A ’08 bitches!

Ok, now he’s talking again about other stuff. Kinda boring. Yo Brad, wanna go get some burgers? I think the Giants are on later. Eli Manning is the shit, man. Like the Obama of football. Then we can drink beer out of little red cups and post the photos on Facebook and make sure the cameras caught our cool Obama hoodies. Definitely.

Hold on, Brad, I checked your Facebook yesterday and it doesn’t even say you’ve added the Obama fan page to your profile. Damn, do you even care about politics like I do? I have eight separate Obama applications. Holy fuck you don’t know anything. Read a fucking newspaper’s front page for five seconds and claim to know some shit about black people problems, c’mon.

Rock the vote ’08, yeah, everybody vote for Obama! Obama! Obama! Dude can I put a really big Obama sticker on your car? No? Racist! VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA HE’S REALLY COOL C’MON!

Uh, Brad, some black dudes are sitting at the table next to us. Maybe we should move.


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