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September 25 is now an official holiday at Stony Brook University. It marks the day when one of our students embarked on their journey to national meme fame, from a humble dorm room in Tabler Quad.   The journey, involving Wonderwall, a red dildo, and an iPhone video has blessed us all and we are most thankful for its existence.  On September 25, 2016, Romeo Barrientos posted a video of a student, who will go by the name of D-Boy, covering Oasis’ most notable single, “Wonderwall.”  D-Boy has a nice voice, but the most pertinent aspect of the video was not his vocal ability.  In this video, a bright red dildo became an integral element in D-Boy’s rise to fame. D-Boy and his fellow suite-mates bought the object on Amazon after a room inspection prompted the idea.  The original plan was to lay it around their room in order to…

As I roam the long and crowded street of the bustling New York metropolis, my pants begin to vibrate, and I whip out ‘ol pinky. I’m not the only one reaching for his sacred pink, for bros the world over have seen the future: bro’s gold. What is bro’s gold? It just so happens to be the latest fashion for men who love to look good, but, to the uncultured, bro’s gold is a pseudonym for the new rose gold iPhones. That’s right. Pink gold is no longer a treasure that women keep locked up for themselves, hoarding it in order to keep men away from the rosy goodness that this fabulous phone presents.   Bros have been shamed for far too long whenever we’ve worn pink, having our sexualities and masculinity questioned again and again. But the bro’s gold revolution has changed all that, and pink can finally be…

It’s common knowledge that Stony Brook University houses most of its artists in Tabler Quad, but what people do not realize is that the university forces the artists there to paint and play symphonies dedicated to President Samuel L. Stanley Jr. The university has accomplished this through the Tabler Steps, with the steep and perilous path that tires all those who dare to climb it. Once students have made it to the summit, they no longer have the strength to fight off the university’s secret service. Now that students have wised up to Stanley’s plan, the university was forced to create a new strategy to lure in art students, which has led to the Tabler Piano Steps Project, a plan to repaint the steps to resemble piano keys. “I know that if I go up I’m never coming down, but it’s just so beautiful,” said an art major who never…

By the ending of his lecture at the Sydney Opera House in Australia, Stephen Hawking reassured fans all over the world that there exists an alternate universe where Zayn Malik is still a member of One Direction. Hawking is a firm believer in the theory of multiple universes, and he believes that theoretical physicist will one day be able to provide proof of this phenomenon. Unfortunately, Hawking is unaware that there exists only one universe where One Direction still has all of its members, and that universe is not a pretty sight. Imagine if the Mad Max world had a baby with the Samurai Jack dystopian future, and that baby had a child with Deathly Hallows Pt. 2. That’s how bad it was,” said a Stony Brook University physicist who wished to remain anonymous because he has yet to patent his multi-verse teleporter, which allows him to travel from universe…

This is all we know. An agent known only to several sources as “The Deep Wolf”, working for a clandestine department of the university called the University Secret Goons (USG), infiltrated all student media organizations from the Statesman to Blackworld. From the Press’ office, The Deep Wolf took old fried chicken from their fridge, their only copy of Super Smash Bros. Melee, and an early edition of the April Fools issue from the Press’ computers. The document landed on the desks of important Stony Brook administrators. As the issue slapped like a wet towel against the wood of The President (of the university’s) table, sources state his face twisted in confusion. For several minutes he sat hunched over the articles, trying to understand content that was clearly untrue and referencing actual events in hilarious tones. It is said by several sources that an intern leaned over and whispered in his…