If you shudder at the thought of any of the above sitting behind the Resolute desk in the Oval Office, you’re not alone. Turns out, they scare a lot of people at Powershift 2011 too.

So that’s why I took a reverse straw poll in which a convention chock full of Democrats and liberals were asked to select the scenario that terrified them the most: any of these nutjobs—with the full support of “Real America™”, corporations, and fundamentalist churches—on their way to the White House.

I asked 50 people which potential Republican presidential nominee scared them most at this point. The results are as follows.

Palin- 48%

Trump- 20%

Bachmann- 12%

Romney- 10%

Huckabee- 4%

Santorum- 4%

Other- 2%

Even though I asked for a one name answer, I got plenty more insight from Powershifters who were eager to talk.

Palin, the fan favorite, received quite a few votes for her “drill, baby, drill” campaign. She was referred to as “stupid and proud of it” and disparaging comments were made about her half-term governorship. Others remarked that she was the only potential candidate they’d heard of, and therefore the automatic winner.

People were afraid of Romney for the exact opposite reason. Most people who mentioned his name –– even those who eventually selected someone else –– saw him as Obama’s most serious threat to re-election. “People actually take him seriously,” said one concerned Democrat.

Bachmann, current tea party favorite and climate change denier, was largely ignored by Powershift attendees in favor of her sound-a-like from Alaska. But some respondents saw her as more of a threat. “She’s the only person I know who would deny the existence of dinosaurs and then tell people to go drilling for their remains, regulation free,” said one attendee.

Trump got a few of the most immediate and loudest responses, and even elicited a few moans after his name.

He got my vote (not counted above) because he’ll be the one to keep crazy in the conversation the longest. He’s also finishing towards the front of most early polls, which is way better than anyone could’ve expected from him. And if he does somehow become president, citizen Obama will probably be deported, evidence be damned.

After huge losses in the last two elections, could it get even worse for the GOP?

Whose left?

It’s a question that a lot of Republicans will be asking (or avoiding) in the coming months. Since President Obama took office in January, his approval ratings have remained astronomically high compared to his predecessor and the Republican members of Congress, while several prominent figures on the right have taken a beating. First was the admission of an affair by Nevada Senator John Ensign, then came the bizarre case of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, and just this past Friday, news of Sarah Palin’s resignation as governor of Alaska have left the once-vibrant field of possible 2012 candidates much thinner.

Palin of course has not ruled out a run for the presidency, but resigning from an elected position a full three years ahead of the 2012 election could hardly be considered a shrewd political move. And NBC’s Andrea Mitchell has reported that sources close to Palin say that her political career is over, less than one year after it really began.

Sanford was also considered a possible candidate for the next election, but a bizarre series of events involving his disappearance, the Appalachian Trail, a rendezvous with an Argentinean mistress in Buenos Aires and the subsequent unanswered questions that surround the whole episode has left his career in shambles.

Other candidates include former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who finished the 2008 Republican primary in third place, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and 2008 candidate and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

But of those four candidates, only Jindal would be a break from the old school GOP that has lost 54 seats in the House of Representatives and 15 in the Senate since 2006. And if the elections in 2006 and 2008 have taught us anything, it’s that looking backwards doesn’t win you elections.

There are a whole host of other potential nominees who have yet to step forward, and they certainly have plenty of time to do so. But if the Republican Party wants to remain a truly national party capable of winning elections in all 50 states (Democrats have at least one Congressperson in every state but Wyoming, Republicans will have none in all of New England when Judd Gregg retires next term), they need to stop putting their worst feet forward.

I’m sitting down with a bag of Cheetos, big bag I tell ya, extra cheese, and I calls to the wife. I say, “Hey wife you know what I heard on the tube?” And she says, “What, you already told me about them pills that make your diddly hoo hoo better.”  And I says, “No, sweet baby Jesus, I heard our future Vice President Sarah Palin is a hockey mom!”

The missus ignores me, but I continue. “She likes some good old hockey and she’s a mom.  My word, sweet super Jesus, that’s a woman I want in the office!”

Ok, so I’m watching these debaters debate things. The older fella, Joe Biden, is borin’ me with his talkity talk. Saying stuff about “taxes” and such. Load of horseshit if you ask me, going up there and not even mentioning stuff that’s important to me. I mean, he says nothin’ bout fixing my damn flat tire or gettin’ that fat cat-fucking sack of doughy horseshit Mildred Cummings to keep her cats and her damn hose offa my lawn. Offa I say! But then this Palin, who’s almost as nice on the eyes as the ladies in my magazines, starts talkin’ about the real issues. And I mean hockey!

I love me some hockey. When I was a boy, we would take a skate on the ol’ pond every morning. Choose up sides and play till it got dark. We would take breaks for some lunch and some beatin’ of brown-colored folks, but then it was back to the rink. I been a fan of the Red Wings since my pa was passed out drunk at my 5th birthday in a Gordie Howe jersey. I says to pa, “If ya like Gordie, so will I!” and then he burped up some green-lookin’ stuff.

Sarah Palin, Todd Palin, and their children Bippity, Boppity, Boo, and Wilbur (the youngest). Not pictured: Pythagoras, her newborn.

God damn ya Mildred keep your fucking ugly shit-licking cats off my lawn or I’m gonna come out there with the wrath of black Jesus and shoot them all to hell!

So as I says, I find out in the debates this Palin loves her some hockey too. Sweet Jesus an’ Moses, what a wonderful thing it is. She almost ruined it when she mentioned soccer moms though. The missus and I don’t like soccer and we forbade our boy Billy from playin’ such a sinful European sport that celebrates homosexuals. I seen me some soccer. Nothin’ but two-timing Spaniards sliding on grass with their boyfriends. Ain’t for me or any good American.

As I finish my Cheetos I hear her talkin’ some more. She mentions stuff about oil and health care and I don’t really listen. My pop didn’t need no government to clean the beer offa his pants after he throwed-up at my seventh, eighth, and twelfth birthdays. Or wipe off the sticky from his trousers after he canoodled with the arithmetic teacher at my high school graduation. Naw, good Americans just need some gas and some chewin’ tobacco. And them magazines wit’ the boobies, I fuckin’ love those.

The missus likes Palin ‘cause she’s a mom and has a kid who don’t think good. Billy is kinda slow too. Slow ‘cause he’s fat porker who eats even more goddamn Hot Pockets than I do.

Jesus Mary Fuck An Octopus Mildred, get your damn cats away from my John Deere I will bust Whisker’s ass so hard he won’t know what year it is if cats could know such things.

So this Palin doesn’t know everything, so what? She knows ‘bout hockey and momming. And she’s right up those commie Russians’ tails bein’ from Alaska and all. Of course, she loves Jesus as much as the missus and I pretend to. I been to church every Sunday this year. Ok, other Sunday. Three weeks ago. A month. Since the football season started. Go get ‘em Romo my boy the Cowboys will rise agin!

So the missus and I was on the fence ‘bout McCain who’s got a liberal streak and don’t seem to hate the gays enough. But Palin sealed it for us, I tell ya, she hates them gays and them blacks and hopefully will keep the towelheads away from McDonalds down on Pine Street.  She knows what it’s like to be from a small town and not do good in school or know about fancy terms like “geopolitics” and ‘bout all them confusin’ naming countries in the Middle East. Pakiran or whatever, it don’t matter, as long as we blow them to hell so Ol’ Glory can fly forever. Yup, Sarah Palin is the right vice presidential candidate for our country.

Also she’s got a fine ass.