The Press gained exclusive access to security footage from the kitchen, revealing the extent of Ramsay’s displeasure at the state of Stony Brook’s food. “These tater tots are greasier than Wolfie’s neutered — fucking — bollocks!” he yelled, tossing a fryer backwards into the air and causing grease and potato pellets to rain down on staff.
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said Special Agent Rick McDocFinder, in an exclusive interview with The Press. “We’ve got a real epidemic brewing here. These classified documents are presidential kryptonite.”
I saw him from a distance. His beautiful face and physique drew me to him instantly. I could only describe it as godlike. I felt unworthy to be in his presence. His piercing eyes and height intimidated me, but his smile was warm and endearing.
Many viewers of the Queen’s parade-like funeral may have missed that her coffin was actually lined with lead, and speculated to have weighed anywhere between 500 and 600 pounds. This curious detail is even more intriguing when considering recent reported tectonic activity emanating from Buckingham Palace in the weeks following the funeral.
Oh no! Has a female rejected your sexual advances again? Well guess what — now you don’t have to own up to your mistakes! Just start a podcast.
Today, we are announcing that The Press will stop printing our magazines for the foreseeable future. This doesn’t mean that our work is over. In fact, we will be moving to the forefront of new media.
The Stony Brook Press does not encourage anyone to do anything listed below.
I have always had a hard time operating human buildings, and Harriman Hall is no exception to this, no sir. Obviously, I have no fingers, but I was hoping the doors would be a bit lighter than they actually were. Unfortunately, I couldn’t nudge my way through. So what was a deer to do? I looked around the building and luckily enough, my class was on the first floor, just a hop and a skip away.