The recent uptick in missing children cases has only increased since October began. According to reputable sources, this may be due to the activities of invasive predators in the Suffolk County area. Experts claim these predators may have migrated north from the Virginia area. So far, we know attacks of this nature have only occurred in West Virginia beginning around 1967, and we are shocked to find maulings so far from their origin.
Citing its contribution to society as a whole, President Joe Biden announced today that the lung cancer that killed noted conservative parasite Rush Limbaugh will be the latest recipient of one of the nation’s highest civilian honors, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Amazon Union organizers were quiet about the decision, but given the paradoxical nature of the very term “Amazon Union,” there can only ever be an Amazon Union organizer for about three seconds.
An officer on the front lines of the Minneapolis protests has been put on two weeks paid leave after he failed to fire pepper balls at a local news crew. The Internal Affairs Committee for the Minneapolis Police Department confirmed that Percy Cutor had decided not to fire on reporters even though they had identified themselves as press and were wearing safety vests.
After putting our thumbs up our asses for the past week, the administration has come to the following conclusion:
A number of students appeared ready to charge. But right before they were about to clash, Rick Gatteau appeared in a flash of smoke in the center of the fountain.
Police responding to a noise complaint on Saturday night were unsurprised to find rowdy partygoers in a downtown apartment complex. What they weren’t expecting was a costume party featuring a white woman doing her best Trudeau impression.
The professor in question has been bombarded with class evaluations accusing him of presenting PowerPoints that aren’t his, leaving unprepared TAs to teach the class, making students wait outside of the classroom while he prints more exams during a test and putting on Crash Course videos for an entire hour and twenty-minute lecture.