Author

Ronald Kings

Browsing

As I roam the long and crowded street of the bustling New York metropolis, my pants begin to vibrate, and I whip out ‘ol pinky. I’m not the only one reaching for his sacred pink, for bros the world over have seen the future: bro’s gold. What is bro’s gold? It just so happens to be the latest fashion for men who love to look good, but, to the uncultured, bro’s gold is a pseudonym for the new rose gold iPhones. That’s right. Pink gold is no longer a treasure that women keep locked up for themselves, hoarding it in order to keep men away from the rosy goodness that this fabulous phone presents.   Bros have been shamed for far too long whenever we’ve worn pink, having our sexualities and masculinity questioned again and again. But the bro’s gold revolution has changed all that, and pink can finally be…

So, let’s rap. I work hard and a nice cup of Lemonade Cookie Frappuccino is all I want. But now the holiday cup is only red, and I’m okay with that. Really, I am. I’m completely fine with it. Although I can understand why they did it, Starbucks forgot about the children. Their pure and little brains can’t comprehend why the snowflakes and pine trees are no longer on daddy’s red cup. “Where’s Santa?” my precious gift from above asked me when she saw my plain, red cup. “Why’s Starbucks killing Jesus?” asks my cute little accident. Good questions. Jesus was the man, and we need to respect him with a proper image of Christmas. We need trees in our homes; a big, red Norwegian guy coming down our chimneys and a coffee cup that displays our beliefs. Starbucks is killing Christ, and, although I may understand the context, my…

It takes a real man to admit when his time in bed is not everything he thought it would be, but it takes a bigger man to admit that it’s not his fault. Whenever the mood was just right, meaning that I had just finished my sixth beer and AC/DC was playing on the radio, she would say she’s not that into it tonight. I had to hear excuse after excuse. “My head hurts tonight,” or “I have an important interview tomorrow that we can’t afford to mess up because I make twice as much as you.” Talk about selfish. But just when I thought I had reached my limit with her, my good friends at the FDA finally approved filbanserin, aka “Viagra for women.” For the longest time, the FDA and several large corporations have done the will of God by helping men get laid. No longer do we…

Dear Stony Brook Students:         It takes two to make a relationship work, but it takes only one to end it. I’ve been patient, understanding and a little bit too compromising, but it’s over. My meltdown over the first few days of classes was not accidental. You had it coming. You used me as though I was nothing more than a convenient tool to satisfy your needs. Whenever our activities caused jamming in my system, you would just shove your hands inside and rip out whatever got in your way, leaving no time for me to recover before starting again. Although this time, you ripped out my heart. No longer will I accept your rookies that don’t even know how to push my buttons, nor will I help your impersonal cohorts who use me through the Wi-Fi for a self-satisfying quickie. It’s all just get in and finish quickly with…

As I choked on my first bite of a Snickers bar and looked around for someone to help me inside the Psych A building, I realized I was going to die alone. Even though I managed to perform the Heimlich maneuver on myself, the thought of dying alone forced me to reassess my life; I was bro-less despite attending Stony Brook University for nearly two years. Unfortunately for me and my fellow men, we tend to have fewer friends and intimate friendships with each other than women do according to a 2000 study by the University of Missouri, but this lack of male friendship has not gone unnoticed. In order to help bros find other bros, many apps have come along to help the bro-less. The latest of these innovators is WolfPack, a location-based app that takes your interests into account and finds other bros in your area with the…

It’s common knowledge that Stony Brook University houses most of its artists in Tabler Quad, but what people do not realize is that the university forces the artists there to paint and play symphonies dedicated to President Samuel L. Stanley Jr. The university has accomplished this through the Tabler Steps, with the steep and perilous path that tires all those who dare to climb it. Once students have made it to the summit, they no longer have the strength to fight off the university’s secret service. Now that students have wised up to Stanley’s plan, the university was forced to create a new strategy to lure in art students, which has led to the Tabler Piano Steps Project, a plan to repaint the steps to resemble piano keys. “I know that if I go up I’m never coming down, but it’s just so beautiful,” said an art major who never…

By the ending of his lecture at the Sydney Opera House in Australia, Stephen Hawking reassured fans all over the world that there exists an alternate universe where Zayn Malik is still a member of One Direction. Hawking is a firm believer in the theory of multiple universes, and he believes that theoretical physicist will one day be able to provide proof of this phenomenon. Unfortunately, Hawking is unaware that there exists only one universe where One Direction still has all of its members, and that universe is not a pretty sight. Imagine if the Mad Max world had a baby with the Samurai Jack dystopian future, and that baby had a child with Deathly Hallows Pt. 2. That’s how bad it was,” said a Stony Brook University physicist who wished to remain anonymous because he has yet to patent his multi-verse teleporter, which allows him to travel from universe…

Everyone at Stony Brook University held their breaths as they watched University President Samuel L. Stanley Jr., pull down his pants on the monitors throughout the campus. President Stanley, who often speaks of the fact that he gets seasonal influenza vaccinations, has taken his commitment towards personal health to a whole new level, as he now promotes the need for a colonoscopy in the same manner that he has done for with flu shots— by filming the procedure for all to see. “Students need to know the importance of early detection, even at their age,” university officials said. “It was initially going to be a team effort, but the president told us that he alone would be enough to get the message through.” Viewers were shocked to discover that Stanley would not be sedated, and that the president showed no signs of discomfort as the procedure began. As the tiny…

The game of kings is upon us as the FIDE World Team Championship 2015 will commence on April 18, and chess will be the only thing on the world’s mind. 10 nations will go in, but only one will come out: Egypt, Cuba, India, Israel, Hungary, China, Ukraine, Armenia, Russia and the U.S. Unfortunately, the U.S team is missing some of the nation’s top players like grandmaster Hikaru Nakamura, the world’s number three and Wesley So, the world’s number seven. Without its top players, the US team is considered to not have a chance, which has forced the country to look for players outside their own land. The Press has come across several files that documented America’s attempt to build a team of extraordinary gentlemen, a venture led by Deep Blue, the first piece of AI to defeat a world champion. “IBM’s Deep Blue defeated the Russians before, and he…