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HowieNewsberkman

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Colorado’s doing it. Washington’s doing it. Everyone’s doing it. It’s national peer pressure these days for legalizing marijuana. We know the Christians and Rednecks oppose legalizing but what about people actually in the industry? The Bill Gates and Steve Jobs of dealing. It’s a dog-eat-dog world but someone’s got to do it. I interviewed some of the brightest minds in the drug dealing industry about their thoughts on legalizing marijuana. Richard Nixon-Known for doing whatever it takes, this ex-president has really found his niche. President Nixon knew how to blow trees like no other. He was known best for his legacy preserving national parks and could easily be called the “Godfather of Weeds.” Now going under the alias Dr. Grinspoon, Nixon is keeping the American dream alive through a séance, where we were able to contact his dank spirit. Crystal- The ladylove of the black market, Crystal is the neck…

I, Howie Newsberkman, am a mysterious man haunted by many secrets. For example, did you know that if you press up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-Start on the title screen of Contra, you’ll get extra lives? Did you know that the Pizza Planet truck is on the witch’s woodcarving table in Pixar’s Brave? Did you know that I once shot a man in Reno…just to watch him die? It’s all horrifyingly true. Late at night, I toss and turn, terrified by these grisly specters of my past. Luckily, last year an answer arrived to combat my perpetual turmoil. As previously reported in The Stony Brook Press, Stony Brook Secrets is a Facebook page where the campus community can share their innermost doubts and fears. Yes, originally we weren’t sharing these posts anonymously—oh, the publicizing was anonymous, so yes, the world at large still doesn’t know that I am the man who really kidnapped Lindbergh’s baby—but…

More often than not the big talk that transpires on the Internet will never come to fruition, and will instead remain as words on a webpage. However, on Friday February 1, over 50 students took their Facebook-organized act of goodwill into reality and gathered at the Dunkin Donuts location on Rt. 25A on to pay their respects and to honor Zamir, a longtime employee known by students for his kindness and generosity. The event, organized by Daniel Ahmadizadeh, the man behind the extremely popular Stony Brook Compliments Facebook page, and started as a simple gesture of having people give their kind words for Zamir, which would then be written on cards and presented to him on the first night of February.  “Zamir is a man who truly epitomizes kindness” Ahmadizadeh said in the video of the event endorsed by Stony Brook Compliments. Within days, a flood of comments filled…

I’ll admit it: I was a denier. Even after I was a part of the well-attended HempFest 2008 gathering in Boston, I still figured this whole “Legalize Marijuana” movement was a lazy, hazy fringe group I was just marginally a part of. There were minor steps of progress in the medical marijuana and decriminalization movements over the past several years, but nothing to really get stoked about. To be honest, I was never passionate about legalization since the magic grass would be only marginally easier to obtain if it were sold at gas stations. Seriously, how hard is it to score weed around here anyway? Spit up in the air and there’s a good chance whoever it lands on has some sweet herb for sale. But my apathetic view of legalization was probably due more to my pessimism about drug policy reform happening before I become balding and fat and probably shouldn’t be eating nachos anymore—let alone smoking weed. I always imagined that full-on legalization of…

Hurricane Sandy swept through the east coast earlier this week, devastating Wi-Fi signals and leaving ultra-sheltered college students without access to Facebook or Reddit for a horrifying 24 hours. “It was horrible, I kept clicking ‘refresh’ on my browser until my index finger turned raw and I could no longer see the screen through my building tears,” said sophomore Larry Burkman. He then described a vocal conversation he was forced into having with his insufferable roommate, but he could hardly bare the memory of the ordeal. “No way out,” he said through sobs. “No way out.” Many students, left without power, took the drastic measure of attempting real human interaction with the plethora of people who live within close proximity of their computer screens. “I kept trying to type at them and click on their faces,” said junior Stacey Middleton. “But no pictures came up, no favorite movies. Not even…

After being defamed and humiliated by the Stony Brook Press two weeks ago, very short comedian Kevin Hart took revenge on the publication by beating the shit out of staff writer Daniel Cashmar at approximately 3 p.m. on Friday, February 17, university police said. According to witnesses, Hart lunged at an unsuspecting Cashmar, the nearest person to the front door of the office, as he was biting into a slice of pizza. He proceeded to punch Cashmar in the face 482 times while forcing his victim to keep count. Hart stopped when his victim passed out. Cashmar sustained minor injuries, including, but not limited to, a loss of four teeth and severe damage to his nose and left eye that will most likely need to be corrected with cosmetic surgery. “Why would you immature college students write something like that about me?” asked Hart of the rest of the losers…