I only have one question for you, America: why?
Why did you pick Donald Trump – that blustering, self-aggrandizing, racist asshole – over me, Jeb Bush – an actually Nice Guy?
I guess it’s true what they say about nice guys, huh? Poorly educated whites always go for the assholes.
What – you didn’t think my Guaca Bowle idea was cool? What about that time I tweeted a picture of a gun? That was pretty badass, right?
You know, Donald Trump may have charisma, a sense of humor, and boundless confidence, but there’s one thing he doesn’t have: niceness. Unlike Donald Trump, I am very nice, and he isn’t.
Mark my words, America: one day, you’ll see the light. I just know that one day, you’ll look back and realize the man you should have picked – me, Jeb Bush, an actually Nice Guy – was there the whole time, right under your nose. It’ll be just like that song by the Descendents. And when you’re all alone and that asshole Donald Trump has left you hanging high and dry, don’t come looking for me, because I won’t be there.