Former Florida Governor and former presidential hopeful, Jeb Bush, has died.
“The Bush family is deeply saddened by the death of their political dynasty, and also their beloved son, Jeb Bush,” the family’s spokesman said. “May the love, care and millions of dollars they wasted on his campaign stand as an enduring testament to their affection for him.”
The cause of death is still unknown, but investigators are on the scene.
“According to a family witness, Jeb died from complications due to low energy,” the family doctor said. Former President George W. Bush, the first to learn of Jeb’s demise, said that the genuine milquetoast “kind of just stuttered to death.”
“I was in the shower, thinking about my next painting of Dalmatians re-enacting the flag raising at Iwo Jima,” Bush said. “When I got this feeling that something wasn’t right with Jeb. Feeling my George Bush thetan levels dropping rapidly, I quantum leaped to Florida to see what was the matter.”
The total fucking dweeb was discovered inside his garage with his head covered in a Guaca Bowle, Jeb’s trademark campaign item.
“His charisma must have dipped below a dangerous threshold of awkwardness,” George explained. “His body just couldn’t take it.”
Jeb’s family is deep in mourning, but they have fond memories to get them through this troubled time.
“You know, Jeb might have been an abject disappointment, but he was also a very nice guy,” Jeb’s mother, Barbara, recalled. “It’s not as bad as people say.”
The veritable pointdexter served as Florida’s governor from 1999 to 2007, when he was succeeded by Charlie Crist.
In his will, Jeb left, uh, you see, now wait a second, you can’t just, and,
Bush is survived by his brother, the 43rd president of the United States; his father, the 41st president of the United States; his wife Columba; and his three children.