Everyone at Stony Brook University held their breaths as they watched University President Samuel L. Stanley Jr., pull down his pants on the monitors throughout the campus.
President Stanley, who often speaks of the fact that he gets seasonal influenza vaccinations, has taken his commitment towards personal health to a whole new level, as he now promotes the need for a colonoscopy in the same manner that he has done for with flu shots— by filming the procedure for all to see.
“Students need to know the importance of early detection, even at their age,” university officials said. “It was initially going to be a team effort, but the president told us that he alone would be enough to get the message through.”
Viewers were shocked to discover that Stanley would not be sedated, and that the president showed no signs of discomfort as the procedure began.
As the tiny fiber-optic camera moved through Stanley’s rectum and colon, several students began placing bets on what, if anything, would be found. Most agreed that his colon would be clean, though those with medical backgrounds feared that they might find an excess of polyps that could turn cancerous. Still others expected to find either loose change from the registrar, or possibly Stanley’s own head.
“It’s just so big. You never know what could be in there,” said A, the student handling
the bets, who wished to be identified by his codename.
The colonoscopy revealed that Stanley’s colon was in perfect health, and his administrative team gave him pats on the behind to congratulate his valor.
The procedure is currently playing on a loop on all Stony Brook University monitors.