Are ya’ll ready to collectively combust into flames and transport to the Great Unknown at the exact moment of sunrise on December 21st? Well you should be. I know things were just getting good here on Earth – I haven’t had a chance to get totally used to the new iPhone yet, and it seems awfully cruel of the universe to start legalizing weed just before I get wiped from existence – but we have to prepare for what’s coming. Now that Hurricane Sandy symbolically confirmed what the Internet has been telling us since the mid-90’s, there’s no time to hesitate.

Luckily we at the Press have had our ducks in a row for quite some time now. Our portal bunker to the next dimension has been ready for years now (no, you can’t come use it, sorry) and we have plenty of tin foil to go around for at least the editorial board. But one thing we could not decide on was how to sign off to our readers. We know that you’ve come to us for the latest in hard-hitting news, thoughtful editorials, and knowledgeable reviews of new happenings in pop culture. We also told you the best places to take a shit on campus.

But all of that is gone. Will we return? Will we still be there in the new dimension, perhaps one parallel to the one we currently occupy? Maybe in this new universe our eyeballs will be on our kneecaps and we all communicate through interpretive dance. But we make this promise: no matter what form we take, we will continue being the undisputed publication of record, transcending space and time to bring you the latest information about pressing Stony Brook news, hard-hitting features, and more articles about taking dumps than ever before.

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There’s a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall

And the bells in the steeple too

And up in the nursery an absurd little bird

Is popping out to say “cuckoo”

Cuckoo, cuckoo

Regretfully they tell us Cuckoo, cuckoo

But firmly they compel us Cuckoo, cuckoo

To say goodbye . . .

Cuckoo!

. . . to you

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night

I hate to go and leave this pretty sight

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu

Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen

I’d like to stay and taste my first champagne

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye

I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye — Goodbye!

I’m glad to go, I cannot tell a lie

I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly

The sun has gone to bed and so must I

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

Goodbye!

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