Father Dean Mean is a locally syndicated columnist. He is a fan of Genesis and Black Sabbath.

Now, my fellow emissaries and apostlettes, before I begin, I would like you all to read the following words in your mind, with a deep, sexy basso voice, much like that of your Morgan Freeman or Pope Benedict XVI: What’s the deal with gay marriage, man?

Now, I know I’m going to get a lot of flack from old-fart Fathers claiming that gays having sex is an abomination. But what the Bible specifically states is; “thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination” (Leviticus 18:22).  Now look, God knows, men lie a lot. As a 42-year-old virgin myself, I lie about my virginity, to men and women, all the time. And I lie in the same way every time: first time, I was on a private jet to Barbados. I believe I named her Kiki. So many Hail Marys.

Now, I know what people are saying, “Father, but the Bible is talking about sex.” The first thing I usually say is, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I’m not your father.” Then, we usually go on The Maury Show, and it turns out that I am, in fact, the boy’s father.  True story.

Anyways, if you want gay people to stop having sex, you should simply let them get married. Everyone knows that once the honeymoon’s over, so is the sex. It’s the circle of life; first you lose your baby fat and start having sex, then, because of children and pregnancy, you gain back your baby fat and stop having sex. This probably only applies to lesbians. Unless your name is Thomas Beatie. Then you’re shit out of luck.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day. I’m celebrating early this year.


Father Dean Mean, D.O., MFA