BioWare had a job and they did it. People enjoyed the first two Mass Effect games and then assumed BioWare had forgotten they’re supposed to still make good games while counting their piles of money.

This is the final game of the Mass Effect series, but realistically won’t be because it will sell so well that they’ll churn out sequels like every Halo game after Halo 3. The Reapers have clearly demonstrated their superiority through the first two games and throughout the lore of Mass Effect. Now, in Mass Effect 3, they show the puny humans who’s boss and start fucking up Earth. Wanna cry about it?

A bunch of entitled gamers wanted an ending tailor-made for them—BioWare felt like ending their story how they wanted to. The gamers forgot that not every story will have an ending you enjoy—much like real life.

Player choice was a minor aspect of the series that never really affected the overall plot of the story. Ultimately, gamers would come to learn that free will is an illusion, and things will play out regardless of their efforts.

Mass Effect 3 embraces the lack of free will because BioWare realized its audience was too stupid to appreciate the complex branching narratives, anyway. Gamers constantly complained between games to have their wishes fulfilled, until exploring planets was reduced to pressing a button to “scan” it and the oh-so-difficult hacking system was removed. Now they’re complaining because BioWare didn’t show what happens 20,000 years in the future, or have an 80’s movie epilogue explaining what each character went on to do.

A new game mechanic called “war assets” was added so the idiots playing the game could have a numerical value showing the aggregate results of their decisions throughout the gam—because BioWare hadn’t been holding their hands enough. Completing side quests raises the numerical value, but many found it difficult to wiggle their fat fingers long enough to complete them. War assets could only be used depending on your “war readiness,” how often you played multiplayer—which gamers dreaded, because it forced them to actually interact with other players online and be helpful to them.

Even though gamers forced BioWare to make the morality system less and less important as the games progressed, they expected the game to have completely different endings based on those moral decisions.

The game starts in the worst way possible, forcing you to realize this giant, hulking guido named James Vega was going to be in the rest of the game. You could completely tell he was latino because he would say “loco” every now and again. BioWare, seeing the decline of the intelligence of their fan base, assumed they probably watched The Jersey Shore, since they’re idiots, and added characters to reflect their tanned body interests.

Many gamers enjoyed the main quests in the game because they all had happy endings and gamers love happy endings more than virgins do. Why shouldn’t one single person be able to solve all of the galaxy’s problems?

But God forbid you help random people who are trying to help you to begin with. Every “fetch quest” was your helping your own damn war effort, and getting resources to people who need them. But actively raising your war asset meter by doing the menial work that happens in every war is just too realistic and not fun. As gamers know, all wars are composed entirely of everyone fighting everyone, with no diplomacy or resource management.

People found it unbelievable when a space marine spoke like a space marine.

Even though Mass Effect 3 had two writers that wrote for all three games and another that wrote for two of them, the babies were crying because they didn’t have the writer they liked. Perhaps Drew Karpyshyn became annoyed with how much BioWare was forced to dumb down the game for the audience?

If anything gives gamers a boner, it’s visually customizing their weapons. So when Mass Effect 2 tried to streamline the upgrade process by eliminating the inventory, gamers went pretty limp. Now weapons are back in full force to replace the fact that they added James Vega as a character and that the game freezes about once every 100 times in the Normandy’s elevator. It’s difficult for Shepard to slide down the second ladder on Kallini and to get past the first cutscene on Arrae.

Instead of commenting on how bland the multiplayer is, I’ll describe some more flaws in the single player, which is what actually matters. Kasumi, Miranda, Samara and Zaeed had no reason not to join your squad, and Harbinger was reduced to a cameo after being the major antagonist of Mass Effect 2. They also decided that the whole plot of Mass Effect 2 wasn’t worth speaking of either as the human-reaper hybrid was still left unexplained. They also just assumed I would read the Retribution novel—that I never heard of—to know why Anderson was no longer the Councilor.

Mass Effect 3 was crafted in the gamers’ image and had an ending only toddlers would enjoy. Does baby need his bottle?
For a more realistic review of Mass Effect 3, please click here