Semen in the Showers: A Load Of Spunk

While we couldn’t understand why anybody would want to masturbate in a Mendelsohn Quad shower, we couldn’t ignore that a photograph of the memos that appeared in some Stony Brook residence halls before was once again being splattered across Facebook before the beginning of the semester.

The memos, which featured University letterhead, stated that an overload of semen in shower drains was causing major clogs. Students were then asked to refrain from touchin’ on their wieners while in the shower and, by extension, to keep the major jack-sesh in their rooms.

Even though a quick internet search revealed that different versions of the memo have appeared in the dorms of at least 18 colleges around the country, including Dartmouth, Virginia Tech, Villanova and several other colleges way better than Stony Brook, we at the Press decided to investigate the sploogefest to find out if the letters contained a seed of truth, or were simply an ecstatic spasm of humor that resulted in a white glaze obscuring the facts. So it was with great gusto that we pumped Associate Director of Campus Residences Alan deVries, whose name was attached to the alleged notice, for a few spurts of information.

While he did thank us for our concern about unseemly amounts of man chowder congesting Mendelsohn Quad’s virgin pipes, our stiff line of questioning went limp when deVries told us that “this letter comes up every year at least once and…is clearly a hoax.” He penetrated the heart of the issue when he said that commenting on the letters for publication would “not be worth anyone’s effort.” Apparently, he must have thought we were just jerking him around.