SBP: Mr. Hart, thanks for sitting down with us tonight.
SBP: Would you rather have anal sex with a questionable hooker but she violently shits all over you after and pics of it leak on the internet or get the best blow jay ever but wake up on a deserted island with enough food to live out your life?
KH: Well, I, uh, damn nigga you comin’ at me like a bull that got its dick slapped. I’m gonna have to go with that first option. I’ve seen Castaway enough times to know that no bj is worth spending your life with a volleyball. Especially a male volleyball.
SBP: Do you like Larry David?
KH: Hell no, fuck that bleach nigga. Seinfeld wasn’t funny and Jerry’s haircut was always one lock away form being a mullet. Not a good look, dog.
SBP: Fuck you, Larry David is hilarious. We heard you’re going to star in the film, Think Like A Man. Do you hate your career?
KH: To quote the freshest musical collective this side of the Mississippi, “Cash rules everything around me.”
SBP: What’s your favorite animal?
KH: Oh you know it’s gotta be the dolphin! Jumping around, splashing, having fun and shit. And raping and murdering. Yeah. Not so much those last two things. If I was a dolphin, I’d be the shortest dolphin ever. The lady dolphins would be all like, “Kevin, come swim and shit. Get outta that reef.” I’d swim out and they’d see my short ass fins wiggling around and they’d just do some supersonic laughs.
SBP: How do you feel about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict?
KH: Why those niggas fighting? Look where you live. It’s all sand, everywhere. You ain’t growin’ no vegetables.
SBP: Do you eat that wonton soup?
KH: I get wonton crunk. Wonton soup is the soup of choice for the realest niggas. Thank you, Based God.
SBP: What’s your favorite scent from Yankee Candle?
KH: Oh, dog, it’s definitely Kiss from a Tulip in a Spring Mist. I’ve wooed so many chicks with that scent. Whenever my jokes fail, I fall back on that candle. And that’s pretty often, if you know what I mean (humps chair to clarify).
SBP: Where do you draw your inspiration for your jokes?
KH: McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounders, almost exclusively. Those burger patties are so fake. They’re like 40 percent beef, 60 percent jokes. Not many people know that. Mitch Hedberg knew that. And it killed him, ultimately.
SBP: So who do you hope will get the Republican nomination?
KH: Come on, man. Look at me! I’m obviously a big business, Romney type.
SBP: What does going ham mean?
KH: You know how sometimes you come home and you tired nigga and you wanna eat some ham? Nah I don’t know. It’s some rap shit. You know how rappers always be actin’ tough. I could never be a rapper. I’d be in a rap circle and say some stupid rhyme, “I’m the shortest, I’m like dynamite because…dynamite…it doesn’t come in large boxes.” And then some big ass man would just walk in, look at me, transform into the Megazord, hit me once with that big ass sword and banish me to the Netherworld.
SBP: What would you do if your son was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor because he’s hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money and his daddy’s gone somewhere smoking rock now in and out of lockdown?
KH: I know a girl who’s tough but sweet. She’s so fine, she can’t be beat. She’s got everything that I desire. Sets the summer sun on fire.
SB: Why did you request only one interview by someone from campus media
KH: Honestly—honestly, though—I was really hoping that the Stateman got the interview. I felt like they would ask really intelligent questions, like always. They’re good journalists over there. And I’m a completely unfunny jackass, so…