I’m not going to lie to you; I’m a little tired of feeling anxious and scared every second this time of year. Really, that goes for any time. I only had to see the extended trailer for Paranormal Activity 3 to know that I don’t want to feel that petrified when I try to go to sleep and a nut from a tree falls on my roof and I think it’s a demonic spirit. They could be real! And if so, I don’t want to know! So instead, I implore you all to join me by indulging your senses with some good old-fashioned horror story gore.

First things first, the 1982 version of The Thing is on my list of new disturbingly favorite things to watch. (The puns just never stop!) I am bold enough to admit to you that I have not seen the movie in its entirety. Frankly, I don’t think you even need to. You just need to watch clips of it on YouTube with a friend of yours that has seen it and thinks you’re not smart enough to grasp the context of the film on your own.

If you’re a nonbeliever, then start with the Defibrillation Scene. It is easily the most disgusting two and half minutes you could ever experience in your entire life. Well, that and the first time you have sex. Eek! But I digress. If you are hard to persuade, allow me to elaborate in a relatively vague way that takes things completely out of context if you have not seen this clip or movie. Defibrillators, chest cavities with teeth, amputated arms, mutations, flamethrowers, upside-down, decapitated heads that grow gangly spider legs and more flamethrowers. In that order. In under three minutes. That’s better than any grocery store instant ramen!

Now I know what you’re thinking; “You gotta be fucking kidding.” Believe me, folks, I would be nothing short of honest with you. This is 109 minutes of purely grotesque alien insanity. Green and yellow pus-spewing, screeching, burning, gargling, pissed off, infectious, oozing, explosive, alien body-snatching insanity. And with a protagonist named MacReady, played by the debonair Kurt Russell, how could you resist?

Next on the agenda is the underrated, bloody, monster orgy that is the Feast series. The first one is ultimately the best, and if I was not so invested in making you throw up all over your parents’ new carpet, I would tell you to stop after one. But you know what I always say? Go big or go home! So you must watch all three in succession in one night.

I think my brain has systematically erased my memory of this disgusting, gut-wrenching horror movie spoof, but from what I do remember a large amount of people die.  It sometimes plays out sort of like a fetish snuff film. There is a cornucopia of bodily amputations and an erotic, lesbian blood-covered mutant gangbang. Of course that’s the part I remember best, right? Stupid brain! Oh, and also! This nerd gets wounded and infected in the first film of the trilogy and he actually does make a girl in the movie puke! See, kids, there’s fun for everyone!

Last, but certainly not least, I have to give a shout out to the zombie apocalypse happening over in the world of The Walking Dead. It goes without saying that zombies are terrifying, flesh-eating quasi-humans, but these are the best ones I’ve seen yet. Based on the graphic novel by Robert Kirkman, this AMC adaptation is on its second season and blowing away fall television viewers. With its combination of emotional drama and unexpected violence, these “Walkers” are giving binge-eating a whole new meaning.

Out of the motley crew of survivors the show follows, there is a character for everyone to adore and at least one that viewers cannot wait to see get disemboweled by Walkers. I love Asian-American pizza delivery guy Glenn with his sweet disposition and strategic planning, but I would not be opposed to passive-aggressive Andrea getting her arms and legs ripped off and munched on. Then there’s Rick, the sheriff with a heart of gold, his wife, Lori, and his best friend Shane who was screwing his wife when they thought Rick was dead. How fun!

The character storylines are full of mental baggage and cliffhangers and stir that in with the last-man-standing, survival-of-the-fittest backdrop and you’ve got a recipe for decaying flesh-flavored disaster. With knives, guns and grenades (oh my!) it is not too late to hop online and watch the episodes you missed. Make it a spooktastic, vomit-inducing marathon of zombie proportions!

So forget about all those generic storylines, ghost movies and slasher flicks. This Halloween should be all about bingeing on candy corn and watching monsters gorge on human flesh until you and all your friends feel uncomfortably sick. Just make sure to test their blood with random electrical wires first to make sure they’re not infected with the virus. You’ll be glad you did.