Crouching Tiger, Sleeping Asian

By Anders Boule

Are you Asian? Do you frequently find yourself sleeping in the library? Tired of sleeping in the library?

Well, boy do I have good news for you! The Stony Brook Press proudly presents you with the top 5 places to sleep on campus.

5. Couches: 2nd Floor//Staller

This is an ideal spot because not only is it dark enough at night to lull you to sleep, the location of the long row of couches affords you enough seclusion to keep prying eyes from scoping out your spot. What’s also great is that the building is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, which means that you have access to this prime piece of real estate whenever you so desire. Although I would recommend you not sleep there until late at night, say around midnight or later, as there will be a consistent flow of veteran art students, freshmen taking ARS 154 for their DEC requirements and the occasional tour group passing through downstairs to bother you, but otherwise, your spot is safe. Another great perk is that right after you step through the double doors to overlook the Gallery, you have unlimited access to Stony Brook’s great and reliable (sarcasm) Wi-Fi network. So you can watch your shitty Netflix movies all night long.

4. Desks: 3rd Floor//Staller

Many of you may already be familiar with this location as I’ve seen so many of you fuckers studying Bio, Chem or whatever other stupid shit that isn’t art whenever I needed to use the space. But aside from the foreign exchange students who don’t speak a word of English that frequently squat there, it’s another great spot in Staller. Despite its appearance, the chairs are surprisingly cushioned and comfortable and you can recline back and have your laptop or whatever on the table in front of you. However, the Wi-Fi here is more reliable than it is on the 2nd floor, so keep that in mind.

3. Painting/Printmaking Studios: 4th Floor//Staller

These studios are great for sleeping in. During the semester, there are virtually no people inside after-hours except when art students pull multiple all-nighters in them to finish a single painting. Fucking hippies (I kid, I kid). These rooms have big tables and prop couches to sleep on so you’re set. However, you have to have explicit access to these rooms to be able to get in after-hours. If you’re taking a printmaking class, you’ll likely get a key inside a locker to work inside whenever you want, but you kind of have to be actually doing work. And if you’re lucky enough to be a monitor for the painting studio, you’ll have a key to get in whenever you want. I don’t want to see any of you non-art students in there. You philistine apes.

2. Photo Checkout Room: 4th Floor//Staller

This room is one of, if not, the best to squat/chill in. Not only is it heated to keep your sorry ass warm during the cold winter months, but it also has a fridge to keep your shitty leftovers fresh for another day. You’ve got a high-perched desk with Ethernet access as well as a reasonably comfy couch-chair. You’ve also got a huge window to comfortably watch the rats and dogs of this campus run around outside on the Lawn or miserably trudging to and from class. However, this room is exclusive as it requires a keypad-entered code to get in. You’ll have find that out yourselves, fuckers.

1. Stony Brook Press Office: Basement//Union

This is the best to sleep on campus ever. Hands down. Huge comfy couches, video games, Netflix, a microwave and the most reliable internet on campus. However, you have to be a member of the Press to be able to appreciate its beauty. So come on down and join the Press. We meet on Wednesdays in 060 at 1pm. Also, DON’T SUCK.