By Vincent Barone

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Damn you, Mayans!

I’m a lazy, apathetic asshole. If the alien gods from the planet Ufraton came down to me and asked me to write a tell-all story about my encounter, I would say, “Sorry man, I just popped an Ellio’s pizza in the oven, and I can’t leave that shit unattended”. But Director Roland Emmerich has found a way to inspire me to warn you about 2012…the movie.

My inspiration hit me early in the film when I wished that the prophecies would come true right then and there in the movie theater. Oh, how I wished that the Earth would spit from under my seat and gobble me up into its boiling mantle, or that a cataclysmic earthquake would hit and bring the theater’s ceiling crashing down, ending my life and the lives of the other, poor, tormented souls who thought it would be a good idea to see this movie.

The film, based off the eschatological theories (and the beliefs of your 13-year-old cousin who finds the Twilight series to be truly enthralling) that the world will end in 2012, was destined to be another end of the world megaflop. But for any of you imbeciles who still had any ounce of hope for this movie, allow me to take a dull, rusty knife, and savagely massacre any intentions to see it.

2012 actually starts in 2009, when Dr. Satnam Tsurutani (Jimi Mistry) discovers that Earth is in dire straights when neutrinos from a massive solar flare have raised the temperature its core. Egads! We’re doomed with another 140 minutes of a terrible script, unfunny end of the world puns, and deplorable dialogue.

After we undramatically find out that the world is going to pieces, the film jumps to 2010, then to 2011, and then finally 2012 in a couple of minutes, where we shift focus to John Cusack who plays struggling writer, Jackson Curtis. Curtis takes his kids, who both hate him, from his ex-wife, who, naturally, hates him, on a camping trip to Yellowstone Park, where they meet Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson), the token absolutely insane conspiracy theorist who informs them of the world’s impending destruction.

Of course, Cusack rights him off as a bearded psycho who lives in a trailer in the middle of the woods, and goes on his merry way with his unbelievably bratty kids. Only later does he realize that this lunatic was right, and he goes home to scoop up his ex-wife and her boyfriend while California experiences earthquakes and cracks like a stale cookie.

All the while the richest and most important people in the world are informed of this little conundrum and buy tickets for an exclusive future-esque Noah’s Ark that is docked in China in hopes to weather the apocalypse. This brings up themes about the ethics of governmental secrecy and equal opportunity. Many outraged people overcrowded the dock and demanded (and succeeded) to be let in the vessel.

Most of the movie revolves around Cusack and his family’s uninteresting, far-fetched excursion to China, and yep, you guessed it, the family bonds and unites at the end. Oh, what about his ex-wife’s boyfriend? He dies, but it’s not like he, or any of the other characters are endearing anyway, so whatever.

I’m trying my hardest to save you the longest 2 hours and 38 minutes of your life, but if you must see this film, bring your iPod, put on some destructive music, and just watch everything fall down; I’ll admit, the $200-260 million dollar budget provides some nice special effects.