By Mike Cusanelli
Remember when you had those cool G.I. Joe figures with the realistic weapons and features and the badass army gear? Now, do you remember that year you were bad and you got a Stretch Armstrong doll for Christmas instead? Much like an ill conceived Mr. Fantastic rip-off, Stretch Armstrong had the ability to twist and stretch his limbs into all sorts of wacky positions (even though you know all you did was pull on him with your little brother until he snapped like a man-shaped tug of war rope). As one of the most ill conceived toys ever made, Stretch basically consisted of a four fingered rubber glove filled with corn syrup and attached to a broad-chinned G.I. Joe reject. Now, you may think this sounds fun, but think again. Every time the stupid doll was in any sort of sunlight or got cold, the damn corn syrup would get all freaky, resulting in a much less stretchy Stretch or, at worst, a shriveled leaking mess of a doll. But did this stop Stretch from being a total badass? I don’t think so. Go ahead and insult Stretch in front of any child of the 80’s and prepare for a colossal whuppin’. For his corn syrupy goodness, Stretch Armstrong has managed t o wrap his fingerless mitts around the title of a truly epic retro toy.
Stretch Goddammit! Stretch!!!!