By Ross Barkan

A groundbreaking study by Oxford University’s School of Socioeconomics has revealed that racial slurs in fact build character, running counter to generations of previous research.

“Our research finds that there is nothing wrong with demeaning another person based on a preconceived ethnic stereotype,” said William Chillingmorrow, a researcher at the Oxford School of Socioeconomics. “In fact, we now believe that calling someone a racial slur increases their abilities to think, feel, and of course, love.”

The study, based on years of surveys, computer analyses, crisis models, and real-world simulations rejects the widely-held notion that using a racial, ethnic, or sexist slur causes emotional and psychological damage.

“What I found most startling was how the study so accurately reflected real-world findings,” said Oxford researcher Chester Witkins. “For example, everyone knows gooks can’t dance. Everyone. One day we had an adjunct from the university find an Asian male on the street and insult his dancing skills. Four months later, we found this male had taken up break dancing and was already a regional champion.”

Witkins, Chillingmorrow, and a team of researchers traveled across the world to employ their slurs and record how their test subjects reacted. Using hand-held computers, motion sensors, and a rigorous grading scale, they found immediately that they had unearthed a new way to perceive verbal abuse.

In one of their first studies, the Oxford team arrived in New York City to seek out the vibrant Jewish-American community. It was there the researchers stumbled upon a startling truth: most Jews are indeed long-nosed and cheap.

“I was haggling over a sweater at the Gap on Houston Street when these very mean English men approached me,” said 31 year-old attorney Seth Goldberg, the first person to be examined in the Oxford study. “They started calling me ‘kike’ and ‘sheenie’ and ‘cruddy money-grubby long-nosed Jesus-murdering Jewbag,’ and I started to cry. Later, when they had long left, I realized I actually was pretty cheap, and my people weren’t too cool to Jesus.”

 

From there, the Oxford team invaded a Midtown saloon and convinced a cadre of Irish alcoholics—through hours of “mick” and “pope-lusting faggot” taunts—to renounce their drinking ways. All sound bites and heart rates were recorded and meticulously analyzed, further cementing the research.