By Ross Barkan
A stimulus package is needed for your mom, sources close to your mom say.
Democrats and Republicans have agreed to a preliminary bill to stimulate your mom at the approximate cost of $800 billion to the federal government.
“It’s a great day for America,” said the Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid (D-Nev). “After oh so many years of flaccid failure from your dad and assorted prostitutes, your mom can finally get the stimulation she needs.”
“Mhmmmm,” he added, as he licked his lips furiously.
Exact outlines of the package, which lacked the girth and size originally thrust by President Obama, were not immediately available, but the senators agreed to cut some lubrication in order to gain enough Republican support.
The stimulus package was controversial among centrist Democrats and Republicans because they were not certain if it was wise to spend so much money on your mom, especially when a historically large bill conflicted with the small-government ethos of the Republican Party.
“We want to stimulate your mom, not mortgage the future of other moms and children by the kind of fiscally unwise spending embodied in this legislation,” said Senator John McCain (R-Ariz), a chief Republican opponent of the proposal.
Critics of Senator McCain point out that he has history of stimulating your mom inside pork barrels and other fiscally irresponsible locals. Despite his history with your mom, Republicans contend she should not be entitled to so much stimulation.
“Yes, we know how much your mom is ailing in this time of crisis,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kent). “Employment within the vaginal sector is down nine percent, but we can’t panic. America was not built on hand jo-I mean, handouts. Shit.”
Many economists and experts argued that a stimulus package of some sort was absolutely necessary. Liberal economists, like Wilbur Silverberg, looked to a larger stimulation as a remedy for your mom, who has been performing quite poorly since December 2007.
“At this point you need to be living under a rock not to understand the severity of the situation. Your mom needs it bad,” he said. “Just look what she’s been importing lately. Hu-Tao from the Market Street Deli? That’s absurd-everyone knows that isn’t nearly enough to stimulate her.”
Stanton McMichaelweller, an economist and philosopher at the non-partisan think tank Cunnilingus, contended that your mom needs to export more if she expects any definite stimulation to be evident.
“She’s a service-sector woman at this point,” he said. “And that’s the issue. If she exported more, in the way of cosmetics or maybe a fresher personality, the country wouldn’t be mired in such a recession. The billions would not be necessary.”
All politicians, economists and experts seemed to agree that the breadth and scope of this stimulation package is the most audacious since the Great Depression, an era in which your mom’s mom required extra stimulation after an all-night bender in October of 1929. President Franklin Roosevelt-though wheelchair bound-provided adequate stimulation for her body, propelling your mom into a more prosperous sexual era.
“The American government must realize that your mom requires stimulation on par with that doled out by Franklin Delano Roosevelt,” said Adam Cohen, author of FDR: The First 100 Days…of Fucking Your Grandma. “Despite an obvious handicap, he was able to legislate inside that crumbling, gin-soaked snatch. Obama clearly has the tools-intelligence and physique-to accomplish the very same with your mom. He must take an extremely aggressive approach, or all hope is lost.”
As of press time, your mom is lying in her bed caked with Doritos and despair, waiting for the government to walk in, stimulus package in tow. Her whining has been heard from as far as the living room, causing unease inside your soul.
“Calm the fuck down, bitch,” said President Obama, sauntering smoothly to your mom’s doorstep. “I’m coming. They didn’t call me Barry O’Bomber in high school for nothin’.”